After the whole "car coming into their living room" thing, Emily and Pam are staying in motel with just some beans. While Emily is busy thinking about things like Habitat for Humanity and going to Nicaragua with Rumer Willis, basically anything that is not swimming or those sad beans. Pam is more concerned about how she will never be able to get another job in the state of Pennsylvania because that darn key went missing. (Why hasn't Emily returned the key yet? She's there at the police station like, more than she is at school.) By episode's end, she is ugly-crying the most intense Pam ways you can imagine, and even Emily's legendary calm is pretty freaked out by it.
Ezra keeps givin' people advice. Like who is ... How do you have the right... Whatever, I can't even form a sentence about it. Yeah, okay Mr. Teacher Man, thanks for being really cool and understanding about my teen problems, but clean up your own yard first.
Mikey is having lacrosse problems (French for "not actually problems") because apparently no amount of HIPAA violations or vandalism will turn his sister back into not a whore. Outside school he takes up Tang Soo Do at Jake's dojo and on the team he does his best to fit in. This causes huge fucking problems for Aria's mental state, because she was planning on filming a ten-minute commercial for a movie that's coming out next weekend, so Jake stays with her and they product place together. I forgot they even broke up, or whatever they did.
Veronica has a new intern named Whatever and he gives Spencer the big eye, and she steals some file about Toby's dumb dead mom, and then puts it back. Mostly I just don't care for him so I didn't pay attention too much to this story this week. He was too off-putting for me to follow the story, so I will now review it: If Wilden falsified data on Marion's suicide, then maybe she was murdered and/or it's proof that Wilden was a dirty cop which might help Ashley. But in the end, Eddie Lamb tells Spencer once again to stop coming around Radley -- which probably means we'll be spending more time in those haunted halls soon enough.
But okay the MAIN DEAL of this episode is, Hanna has decided that she is going to confess to the murder of Detective Wilden, on the theory that "kid jail" has gotta be less awful than regular jail-jail. (I don't see how that could be true, but whatever; smaller minimums.) How she makes sure it'll work is, she enlists Mona Vanderwaal to brainwash her into thinking she killed Wilden.
I mean, practically. I wish for real, but only for mostly.
So Caleb is not HAVING this, because of how he and Mona are both in love with Hanna and every time she hangs out with Mona they end up in giant trouble or murdered, but Hanna doesn't care: Having nearly run out of ways to go absolutely fucking insane, she will now be a Manchurian Candidate, and nobody can stop her...
Which is what makes it so surprising when they all turn up at the police station in time to see MONA turn herself in for the murder, freeing both Marins and presumably setting the wheels spinning on some grandiose larger Mona scheme, but mostly looking flawless and grinning at them all like she didn't just confess to anything but being fantastic.
Next Week: Jenna! Shana! Emily's birthday! Emily talks about swimming some more, because it's what she is all about! Maggie and Malcolm finally realize how sucky Ezra is! Jake and Aria try to figure out if they are dating or what is even the point of their relationship! And Mona promptly goes fucking crazy, one would imagine.
A went kill-crazy! She tried to strangle Mona, then tried to run over Aria and Mona -- resulting in a life-changing injury Emily's still dealing with -- and ended up last week aiming a car directly into Emily's house after Emily helped the Liars break into Wilden's apartment (which also got Pam suspended from work). Meanwhile, Hanna's nightmares came true and put Ashley in jail for the murder, no matter how insane and desperate she becomes. Aria got involved with a Tang Soo Do instructor named Jake and has taken over as her brother Michael's only real parent, while Spencer is trapped between the Liars' chaotic investigations and Toby's obsessive search for information about his mother's (possibly) A-related demise.
Pam: "Being broke and homeless in this motel is a real dang bummer!"
Emily: "More coffee?"
Pam: "I mean, it's kind of nice that we don't have to feel guilty about any of this. Like millions of Americans, I was just trying to be a good person."
Work: "That part is true. But there's nothing saying you can't feel horrible about your life."
Pam: "I can't believe nobody saw that person drive into our house and run away!"
Emily: "Yeah, well. Ghost ninja."
Pam: "The important thing is that you spend as much time as possible outside of this suicidally depressing, but absolutely gorgeous motel room. Go to your college counselor. I believe it is Ezra Fitz? The only teacher at your school suddenly?"
Emily: "Yeah, the first luxury to go was Spencer's hot Golden Boy one. Ezra will do."
Emily Text: "I am only kinda okay, but whatever. What about your jailbird mom?"
Hanna: "She says they're fine. I didn't tell her about your horrible outfit, Aria."
Aria: "That's the last thing she needs."
Imagine the pointy schoolmarm shoulders of an orphanage owner-slash-slave trader from the 1920s, like the lady that tried to give Fairuza Balk electroconvulsive therapy in Return To Oz, or one of the meaner bitches of Avalon in the first couple of Green Gables books, telling Marilla how redhead orphans will always poison the well or set you on fire. Now instead of a simple Dust Bowl gray like Spencer would wear, make the outfit entirely out of four-color newspaper comics panels. Are you angry yet?