Hoo! Okay, Emily spends the entire episode watching Maya's website videos and it's pretty sad, but since everybody is now fully on track for finding justice for Maya -- which apparently we will, by the end of the month -- it feels a little less draggy and Emily Stasis than usual. Plus now you got date-rapey party-crashy girl-drowny bike-spinny Walking Calamity Paige McCullers up your shirt, drama will most certainly follow of some kind or another.
Ashley's working out her virgin/whore dichotomy with the help of Ted, which is a pleasant surprise. I guess Ella scared him into realizing that Ashley is his only option if he wants to eat ice cream his way. Hanna gets a message from A about Caleb that is clearly from Caleb, runs to save Caleb from Caleb, and ends up getting a big ol' smooch about it. They discuss whether or not Caleb is actually ready for A's jelly, and after declaring several times that he is, he gets the main thing from Hanna about how A tried to kill his mom. More smooching.
Ezra's little brother Wesley shows up, pissed that Ezra sold his Jaguar to pay for Ezria Love Raman, and then after the wonderful party about which I am about to tell you, he shows up to drive Aria home in Ezra's place and tells her about this one hilarious time when Ezra knocked a girl up and Diane paid her off to skedaddle. One hopes that the story does not end there, and in fact Diane is still keeping the girl in a farmhouse somewhere, or that at least she's paid a similar sum to Jackie Morales to never come back to Rosewood or this show. Anyway, Aria is very funny when you let her be and this episode is no exception, Wesley is a cutie, and Ezra's evil one-percenter East Coast dynastic aristocratic problem family's still maybe the best thing this show's got going on.
The bulk of it, though, comes down to the underground circuit party that Holden and Maya both show evidence of having attended. Spencer forgets to apply to college, you see, so CeCe -- Crazy old CeCe! She's like the girl Noel Kahn! -- out of nowhere is like, "UPenn Admissions advisors -- as well as Holden and Maya and Jenna -- often attend secret sex parties out at the old Kahn Family Cabin, did you not know that?" No, we did not know that. We could have probably intuited it, but we did not know for sure.
Noel Kahn's little brother Eric is twisted in the same wonderful way as his brother, so there's a whole host of gates and hoops and things for Spence and Aria to deal with before they can get down into a basement to yell at Noel and Jenna, their two favorite things in all the world to do.
Round One is CeCe being spooky and not so informative, and possibly being a part of the various many conspiracies. Then later on she fucks Noel Kahn's little brother out of nowhere, because she wasn't already awesome enough. She seems to have gotten Spencer's UPenn application admitted early, just as promised, but probably this is a lie and she has actually submitted Spencer's early admissions applications to Hell or for a summer program being a Nigerian pirate or something.
Round Two is Noel Kahn and Aria yelling at each other in a sexy dance of death which is also not so informative. Is Aria fucking a grown-up man-child? Truth: Yes. Is Noel Kahn still the most wonderful thing on this wonderful show? Truth: You already know this truth, in your heart. Is Noel Kahn involved in any of the forty-five fucked up things going on? Truth: Maybe.
Round Three is Spencer and Jenna being creeps at each other. Is Spencer ever going to give Jenna her videos of her raping her brother, or maybe some other video we don't know about? Truth: One of these days. Did Jenna really find Emily wandering around the streets That Night? Truth: NO! In fact, she found her in the diner where the people are from the past. Hmm.
A-Tag continues the thrilling saga of A v. Real Estate Rentals, and the #betrAyal is now just three weeks away. XOXO.
Holden showed Emily a rave rubberstamp that could hold clues to both That Night and Maya's death. Hanna broke up with Caleb, saved Mona from being moved out of town, and kissed Wren, but is still possibly on the hook for a blood test. A strange Alison doppelganger showed up, sending Jason over the edge. Ashley's got a new man, Caleb helped Spencer break into Maya's Website Page after Toby freaked out on her, and Ezra's mom is a holy terror who tried to bribe Aria to split. Oh, and Noel Kahn is dating Jenna Marshall, which is terrifying.
Aria: "Spencer! Don't you know about how Alison was murdered and they dug up her body, and Maya was killed? Have you heard about this 'A'? It's all very exciting."
Spencer: "I am so over that. I am over mysteries and lies."
Aria: "But look, a stamp on Maya's dead wrist! I have a picture on my phone that matches the stamp Emily remembers from That Night she can't remember, and also from Holden that time at a church!"
Spencer: "Check it. I am burnt out. I'm burnt. Five days ago, I literally forgot to apply to college."
Aria: "Pssh. Missing early admissions is not the same thing. It's fine. You're Spencer."
Spencer: "I found this stamped packet of admissions shit underneath an AP French book and some Physics homework. On which I got a B, Montgomery. A B!"
Cece: "Morning, ladies! Who's applying to UPenn, in bedraggled fashion?"
Spencer: "Not me. Not anymore. For I am no better than Toby Cavanaugh now. Suited only to haunt yards and make faces with my hair going straight up."
Cece: "Please, I got into UPenn, despite my busy schedule of arms smuggling and dodging white slavery charges, and I'm not even a Hastings. As far as I know."
Spencer: "You went to UPenn? And now you work retail? Please, tell me more."
Cece: "Well, I am going to a drug rave of kidnappers later, I think my friend Steven from Admissions is gonna be there..."
Spencer stares a hole into Cece soul. It's amazing. Cece waits for her to stop, and Aria gives her a little nod of the head: It's not going to stop. It's never going to stop. Welcome to Spencer Hastings. "Can't Stop Won't Stop" is on her family crest. If the Hastings were on Game Of Thrones their flag would just be a picture of somebody not stopping, ever.