What happened? What didn't happen.
Emily moves into Ali's old room almost immediately, which gives her lots of chances to have uncomfortable and inappropriate conversations with a continually drunker-and-more-divorced Mrs. DiLaurentis (for example, at one point Jessica wishes that Alison had been gay for Emily, in this weird way she thinks is being super sweet) and eventually find the scariest thing: A living space in the basement where all those holes have been getting drilled and a hobo Redcoat has been staring up at them like The Hills Have Eyes!
Oh, and at another point Hanna is dicking around alone in Ali's room and Redcoat just hangs out in the room where she can't see her, which was also amazing and would otherwise have been the scariest thing. But not for Hanna, whose scariest thing is of course Ashley-related. Hanna asks Wren the wrong stuff about CeCe's history with Radley and Mona, so -- a member of the A-Team, or with Redcoat or whatever -- he gets Veronica all riled up enough to hit Radley and scream in Mona's face, which has the effect of pissing Mona off (or crazing her further, or has no effect, because she is magic and doesn't care about your stupid Muggle problems).
But then -- after Mona makes it clear that they are no longer in league together -- Wren calls in a tip that Veronica bullied Mona into making the confession to begin with, so now Veronica is off the case and Ashley has no lawyer. (And also, A plants her muddy Manolos in the destroyed Fields house, muddying the waters further.) This also makes Hanna yell at Spencer and Caleb in a sad and scary way. (She is also mad at Caleb for once again threatening to tell an adult about A, because the Liars are bullshit at fighting back against A, because quote "this enemy is everywhere and nowhere," which is my favorite thing on this entire show is when they say that.)
Speaking of sad and scary, guess how many children Ezra has? Zero. Maggie tries her best to sell this as a funny joke that she pretended Malcolm was Ezra's son, but Ezra goes so loco on her that she runs, and then Ezra just sits in the dark going more and more nuts as Aria ignores his calls so she can go on a pretty steamy date with Jake. Dark Ezra is pretty amazing, which is just one reason I hope his suffering continues for a good long while.
Besides making out with Jake, which I fully endorse, Aria also has a run-in with a pretty awesome ex-roommate of CeCe's -- at the apartment pointed to by either Tippi the Bird or Nigel's phone, I can never remember -- who confirms that yes, the reason CeCe got kicked out of college was in fact because of that party that time where Alison snapped a girl's neck and nobody remembered that or thought it was a big deal! That was like, all I wanted from this season, but now it's not even a Top 5 Moment this week, because that's how intense this episode was: So intense.
Spencer gamely accompanies Toby to revisit Dr. Crazypants Palmer, and brilliantly brings his memories of Marion back by playing that sheet music from last week -- but it's a much more interesting clue this produces, which is that Palmer has met with Jessica DiLaurentis before. Presuming, as anyone would, that Jessica has spent time in a mental institution, they grill her about it, but no: There's actually a flashback that is so fucking amazing that this is about.
So back when Jessica and Ali were being super abusive with each other -- i.e., one of any moment during her entire lifetime -- there was one time where Ali was playing the piano and Jessica came in screaming at her: Seems she'd gotten a call down to Radley, where her daughter was complaining of being suicidal and about to be put on watch. There was a lot of twin-talk about how Alison and "her" are always playing these games, and then Jessica started hollering about how CeCe Drake was out of Alison's life forever, because they were too obsessed with each other and it was toxic.
Hanna: "You mean like wearing each other's makeup and clothes and stuff?"
Jessica: "More like wearing each other's personalities."
Dear reader, I did a little dance for that one. Could not help myself. I lost control.
Next Week: A hoedown, of course.
We're given to understand that it was CeCe Drake that nearly drowned Jenna Thing at Homeless Emily's birthday party, but I'm gonna need to see proof. Paige is getting desperate at the idea of leaving Emily behind, since it's fairly unlikely any of the Liars will survive the next four days, let alone years. Aria finally noticed that Karate Jake is amazing, so of course cue Maggie running off to Seattle with Malcolm -- leaving lonely Ezra with sad pedo stars in his eyes. Pastor Ted insinuated himself into Ashley's legal issues in a dramatic (and possibly crazy) way; same deal with Mona, who confessed to Wilden's murder and somehow ended up back in her old room at Radley.
All four Liars in the same scene? Bejiggers! They're sneaking around school all alone wearing tremendous outfits and wondering if the fact that they all just cut the same class might be noticed, considering they always sit together.
Aria: "Just keep it down, I still wanna graduate."
Spencer, verbatim: "Newsflash! Honey. None of us are graduating."
Hanna: "Maybe we should work on finding out why CeCe drowned Jenna last week?"
Spencer: "We don't know for sure that happened. All we have is her getting drowned."
Emily: "And that bitch Shana lying about who did it. Or else telling the truth, but still is a bitch."
Emily gets a text and from her horrified gasp they all assume it's from A, but no: It's a drunk text from Jessica DiLaurentis, offering her somewhere to live. And that somewhere? Just Alison's old bedroom. Just your best friend's room that she got murdered, and then your first girlfriend who also got murdered. Good luck with that. You had me at Jessica DiLaurentis, come on.
Hanna: "Maybe this will help us find CeCe? Just kidding! I really just think it sounds amazingly fucked up and I am tired of being the crazy one this season."
Spencer: "I have been alerted to the blindness of my privilege with regard to Emily's poorness and now I am a champion for middle-middle-class lesbians. You cannot pressure her to go do this. I'd rather see her destitute!"
Hanna: "As creepy as Alison and Maya's death bedroom shrine is, I am more creeped out by the skanky motel Pam insists on staying in. It is the Rosewood of Rosewood, that place."
Spencer: "Why can't she come live in one of our parent-free houses? Like is always, always happening on this show?"