Hahaha! That was amazing! Did you ever see a thing like that in your life? What a thing!
Okay, so somehow -- with Melissa wandering around the place eating yogurt as least as creepily as her late hubby used to drink milk -- the girls get the next clue: A Psycho hotel outside town where a hot stroke victim does taxidermy and the usual Norman Bates stuff like that. Alison was stalking A and stayed in the room next door to her lair... The day she died, of course, in between hot-air balloon rides and starting her own small business and winning the Preakness at Pimlico and whatever.
The girls spend the night, getting stalked by A and watched from next door, Hanna takes a shower, the whole thing. No dice. So then there's a Masquarade Ball, of course. Mona produces Caleb for Hanna, earning herself a very sweet speech from Spencer about what a good friend she is, and then Spencer drags her back to the motel in the middle of the Ball so they can sneak into A's lair.
A's lair is fuckin' great. There are pictures on every surface, with Ali's eyes painstakingly cut out, there are Bratz dollz and burlap baby-face monster masks and a clown and music boxes and whatever. It makes you feel like Fiver when you walk in there.
Mona finds a picture of A's masquerade gown: The Black Swan, complete with black anonymity bar across the face, and supposedly lets Hanna know to look out for somebody dressed like that. And there is somebody at the dance dressed like that, but I don't know if that matters. I do know that she is on a team of buds that includes Jenna and Lucas, the former of whom ain't even trying to hide her newfound sight and the latter of whom is still: Adorable.
Less so: Ezra and Aria, who blah blah blah. It's even stupider than usual, which is saying goddamn something.
So while everybody is running around in the dance -- Emily entertaining thoughts of Paige, Aria acting like a gaywad with Ezra, Hanna wandering around looking bewildered and occasionally making out with Caleb, Spencer's at this motel, figuring out who A is. Mona runs out to the car for some gum, and when she comes back she's wearing her signature hoodie. YEAH!
You know how awesome Mona is usually? Times that by about a million once she puts that thing on and spitting out this staccato insanity monologue about all manner of things, including how the A-Team is a Blood In Blood Out situation. Yes, see, Mona invites Spencer to be a part of the A-Team, or die, but Spencer's too busy Skyping their entire conversation to Hanna to really think about the offer.
How come she did all of this and ran over Hanna and made Spencer break up with Toby and whatnot? Because she loves Hanna so much that she hates the Liars for being involved in taking Hanna away from her. Not sure what that means or how it works out -- was this during the Alison period, or the A period? -- but she doesn't really need a reason. She is too awesome for your "reasons," as I will shortly explain. Anyway, the Liars arrive just as Spencer's escaping from Mona, Hanna very nearly runs her best friend down for being a crazy bitch, and then Spencer accidentally tosses her off a cliff. But don't worry! You know that hot mess is okay!
As Therapy Anne (hey!) explains, once they've got Mona's ass in a straitjacket, the reason A seemed to be omniscient and omnipresent is because Mona is a mental genius whose adrenaline spikes were keeping her in a constant state of hyperreality.
YEAH! That's why! I am not making that up! The reason A is magic, the show explains, is because A IS LITERALLY MAGIC. I love that so freaking much. It puts me -- this show -- it puts me into a state of hyperreality. I can see you right now as you are reading this! I hid a doll under your bed that has instructions and a key to open a secret snowglobe in a storage locker off the interstate! I know what you did last Saturday!
Pam comes back to town, Toby comes back to Spencer, we still don't know what Jenna's involvement is with the A-Team, but we do know Mona was working for a bigger A, and one thing more: Maya's body has been found, probably buried, at Emily's house. Which means Hanna lost a best friend to craziness, Aria was utterly uninvolved once again in the TV show she is on, Spencer got Toby back, and Emily has to find a new elderly person to care for.
See you in June!
Check out an interview with Mona.
Sorry this is so late, but I was abducted by Mona Vanderwaal!
..Who gives us the Previouslies, as a first shot across the bow as we come close to figuring out the smallest but most immediate facts about the elusive A: How Hanna finally got hers back by running A down, producing her phone and pissing her off more than ever before; how Melissa turned out to be creepier than Ian even; how Paige tried to make her move on Emily in the dubious absence of Maya; how Ezra got fired no matter how much Aria bitched about it; and how, finally, Jenna got Garrett Reynolds arrested for Ali's murder.
It's been a week since Garrett's arrest, and he's pleading Not Guilty -- because he is clearly not guilty -- just as the Liars are realizing that A's nefarious actions overshadowed the death of their horrible friend Alison DiLaurentis several miles back.
Liars: "So I guess the big piece of evidence was Page Five of the autopsy?"
Spencer: "Yeah, and guess who turned it in? Miss Jenna!"
Emily: "So I guess everything's okay now. Except for the ghost that stalks us by night."
Liars: "Or, alternately, this is just A taking down all four of her murderers, meaning Jenna and Melissa might still be joining Garrett and Ian in jail or hell respectively."
Melissa: "Speak of the literal devil! Too bad about their love gone wrong."
Liars: "What are you talking about? And keep your hands where we can see them."
Melissa: "I knew Ian didn't kill her, pervo that he was, and I know you guys didn't do it. You're pretty and little and liars, but you're not killers. Hey, can I have this giant tub of frozen yogurt?"
Aria: "I wasn't really going to eat it anyway. Too upset about my separate TV show that goes on while this show is airing sometimes."
Melissa: "Two things. Number one, we all know who blinded Jenna. Number two, therefore, Ali deserved to be killed by him. If he did it. This TOFFEE FRO-YO is a clue! And delicious. Later bitches. I'm taking the yogurt. Eating for two, you know. Staring in the mirror upstairs, as creepily as possible, if anybody needs me."
Liars: "So Melissa knows about the Jenna Thing. Not a shock."
A Text: "Bring me my phone, or somebody ends up in a body bag."
Spencer: "The messenger who just came to the door delivered these spooky invitations to the Masquerade Ball. Be there when the clock strikes midnight, it says. I wonder who could have sent them, and from what century?"
Liars: "We should probably go to that dance so A can murder us at that precise time and place."