Prison Break
Chicago

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Haywire -- dead!

Naturally, this is when we cut to T-Bag. It is rare that we hit the one-paragraph plotline before the credits even roll, but here we are. To sum up: it's morning in the household, and T-Bag is spooning Susan in bed. (Say what you will about losing a limb: it eliminates that tricky question of what to do with your arm when you're trying to curl up behind someone.) He sings, "Good morning, sunshine," and that is more proof that he's a deviant, because nobody normal is that goddamn perky first thing in the morning. There is more cuddling, then T-Bag says sweetly, "I tell you what -- I'll go unlock the kids and make us all breakfast." There is literally nothing I can do to improve on that line. Susan insists that she will, but T-Bag isn't having it. He gets up, whips a knife out of his bedside table, then pulls back a cord to reveal that Susan has been tied to the bedpost all night. Let us all hope Susan is not a toss-and-turner, or else she'll end up with dislocated shoulders. (Because that will be what tips her over the edge -- not sharing a bed with a bionic sociopath, but not being able to turn over in the middle of the night. It's the little things that do it.) T-Bag then offers her hand cream for the rope burns. "It won't work," Susan says. "'Course it will. It says right here on the bottle, 'Soothes skin irritations and --'," T-Bag replies. Susan calls him on his obtuseness and points out that little things like, say, neighbors and job obligations and school attendance will soon puncture holes in his poorly-sealed family fantasy. As a matter of fact, Patty the welcome-wagon lady is coming by today. Susan swallows around her gorge and says, "Teddy, Teddy Bear, you need to go. If she recognizes you... I don't want you to get in trouble." Actually, Teddy Bear has a better idea: he'll just charm the dickens out of Patty. He's made "hobo chicken -- one part chicken, two-part spice, three-part actual hobo." Patty -- or, as T-Bag has taken to calling her, "Patty-cake" -- is so charmed by this, she totally swallows all his elaborate lies about how he lost his hand and why there are deep nail marks on the doorjamb, totally misses how jumpy Susan and the kids are, and totally overlooks the gun in T-Bag's waistband. T-Bag gets off the best one-liner of the night: "You gotta have discipline -- without a strong father figure, the boy might end up in prison." And then he decides it's time for them all to relocate. When last we see this (Manson) family unit, T-Bag is using his prosthetic limb to signal left to the cars behind him. At least he's now looking at his disfigurement as a comedic opportunity.

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Prison Break

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