Prison Break
Cowboys and Indians

Episode Report Card
Sobell: B | Grade It Now!
It's Like Sophie's Choice, Only with More Beefcake

We zip to back outside the hotel, where the tasty-looking, clean-cut Darrin Hooks, Bona Fide Homeland Security Agent, is introducing himself to the police. The cop replies, "Homeland? How many of you guys are they sending here? Agent Self's already inside." Agent Hooks is like, "Come again?" and the cop explains that Don Self showed up a little while ago. Hooks promptly calls the office to confirm that Don Self was "the name of the agent that was supposedly killed in L.A. recently." Oh, Don, this might not be your episode.

Back at the condo, General Von Baldy is gloomily monologuing, "It's all falling out exactly as Christina planned it. Now she's going to have everything she ever hoped for. She's trying to reignite the 1962 China/India border war, which ended in an uneasy truce when neither country could withstand the losses they sustained in those remote and desolate mountains. If she succeeds in provoking another war and framing China for the killing of India's prime minister's son -- and it's certainly provocation enough -- she'll set off a military conflict that will last for decades, that will never be resolved." Mahone comes in and asks why General Von Baldy didn't beat Christina to the punch. The General explains, "If India's involved, that drags in Pakistan, then Russia's going to want to defend its borders. Then within a year, Europe's in it, then after that, the United States. It's an apocalypse in which everyone loses! And Christina has always been too prideful and too unstable to accept it." Hmmm ... intimations of brain problems?

The gassing and the police-stalking-around continues. Michael, it appears, is having Lincoln construct bomb-type materials from toilet paper and toiletries while he short-circuits a lock. We cut to the loading dock area, where the receding-hairline-goon is busy introducing himself to the cop he is so obviously about to kill.

Meanwhile in a service corridor, Don Self runs right into the scrumptious Agent Hooks. He is somewhat nonplussed when Hooks calls his name, and even more so when Hooks introduces himself and whips out his Homeland Security badge. The two men warily walk toward one another, and Hooks is the first to pull his weapon and order Don Self to stay where he is. Don Self feigns outrage: "What the hell are you doing? Do you always pull guns on fellow agents?" "Yeah, when fellow agents that are supposedly dead are found later in a hotel with the guys who allegedly killed them," Hooks replies. He's quick, that one. Looks and brains? Be still, my heart. Don Self spins a weak story about how he was in covert ops, but Hooks isn't buying it. Fisticuffs ensue, and to make a long and sad scene short: Don Self kills the tasty Agent Hooks with a steak knife to the chest. AS IF we needed any more reason to loathe him.

Then Don Self discovers the dead body of the cop and calls Michael to warn him that this means "there's someone in the hotel other than the police that's looking for you." Michael passes the news on to Linc, then manages to break into a room. This sets off a security alert, and next thing you know, eleventy-dozen cops are on their way to the 16th floor. Michael has filled a minifridge with the toiletpaper-and-toiletries bomblets. Then he sprays in some air freshener. Linc tosses in a match and closes the fridge's door. The brother sprint down the hall behind the fridge. When two cops get there, they see the fridge ... and then it blows apart. The force of the fire blasts both cops back, unconscious. So another set of cops sprints up the stairs and run into two uniformed, gas-mask-wearing cops who tell them, "They booby-trapped us and now they're up on the roof. I have to get him to a hospital." The other cops are all, "Whatever, hup hup hup hup hup!" and they continue up, leaving the two cops to stagger down the stairs ... until the chief realizes that maybe, these aren't cops. He's right. It's Lincoln and Michael. As the chief prepares to arrest them, however, Receding Hairline Goon comes up behind him and kills him. "The General would like you back at the loft -- NOW," he says.

General Von Baldy is knocking back some scotch in the loft, and when Michael and Linc slouch in, he turns around and guilelessly inquires, "Did all go well at the hotel?" Before Michael answers him, Mahone gives him a whispered update on Dr. Sara and Christina: the latter's escaped, the former's at the condo. T-Bag has noticed the exchange, which bodes ill for later. The General pulls his disappointed dad routine: "You need to take responsibility for your failures." Linc protests that "We failed nothing! This whole thing was a set-up." The General deadpans, "Lincoln Burrows was outsmarted. Who could have anticipated that?" HA! Michaels tells General Von Baldy to throw it in. At this, the General rolls his eyes and monologues some more about how he's been holding a chip and he intends to play it. Mahone freezes in dread, and we cut to T-Bag looking wary as well. (Interesting -- I wish this show had done more to highlight the similarities in their noggins.) Don Self is, as per usual, deeply clueless, even as the General picks up a fruit bowl, empties it, and begins dropping in small slips of paper upon which he's scribbled. The General says, "I wonder who the big winner will be ... when I sent you those envelopes, I wasn't just playing games. I made it very clear that you had one day to accomplish your job or there would be consequences." And here are the consequences: Don Self's name has been pulled out of the bowl. The General orders his flunkies to dial "our man in Queens," and once he's raised the guy, he orders, "Move on Subject Four." It finally hits Don Self that he's about to hear his wife get shot. He springs forward, crying, "You son-of-a-bitch! My wife is a defenseless woman!" Receding Hairline Goon holds Self at bay with a gun. Von Baldy makes Don Self's bad moment worse by sharing with everyone: "Mr. Self didn't tell you he had a wife, did he? Well, I wouldn't talk about my wife either if I'd had a few too many bourbons, got behind the wheel, and turned a beautiful young woman into a piece of broccoli." We cut to Linc and Mahone, both of whom are looking at Self with a queasy blend of pity and relief. The General continues, "I assume that's why you ran away with Scylla? To screw over a government that was giving you benefits that would only pay for a county facility overlooking the Belt Parkway, and to sell it so that you and she could disappear and be hidden forever." We cut to Don Self, who looks like a whipped animal. The man in Queens says, "I have the subject in sights. She's in a wheelchair under a tree in the hospital courtyard. Do I have a go?" We cut to Michael, who looks oddly impassive, then to Don Self, who weakly pleads, "Please don't do this. You can kill me. You can kill me right now. Please -- kill me." Mahone shouts, "You don't need to do this -- we'll get Scylla!" General Von Baldy wheels on him and crows, "That's what I wanted to hear. But you have to know what awaits you and your loved ones if you don't." As Don shouts frantically that he gets it, General Von Baldy calmly says, "Execute the order." We hear a gunshot, some frantic bystanders and then -- the line disconnects. T-Bag looks appraising, Lincoln somewhat angry and Michael disgusted. Don Self then shakes free of Receding Hairline Goon, sprints across the loft and flings himself into the marina below. Receding Hairline Goon shoots the water a few times, but we see neither a body surfacing nor blood, so Don's fate remains a mystery for now.

Now that everyone's motivated, the General orders them to get down to business.

We cut to Christina taking a receipt which confirms that the taxpayers of India are about to fork over $750 million to her. The prime minister says bitterly, "If you're still concerned about humanitarian efforts, write a check to UNICEF." Christina coolly tells him that all data will be delivered in 24 hours, and after the prime minister leaves, Slick comes over to congratulate her on a perfect close. Without looking up, C

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Prison Break




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