Prison Break
First Down

Episode Report Card
Mr. Sobell: B- | Grade It Now!
Abruzzi -- dead!

It would stand to reason that the one of the few times I sub-in on a Prison Break recap, one of the subplots would be devoted to Tweener, a character whose on-screen appearances I greet with the same gusto I welcome cold and flu season. It's not that Lane Garrison doesn't do fine work -- he plays the part admirably. It's just that I find Tweener to be a moron, and not a moron in that "ha ha, his bumbling numbskullery teaches us so much about our own faults and failures" way, but rather the "please get yourself captured so that we can spend our time following the adventures of other, more interesting characters" kind of moron. He is the Zeppo of Team Escarpara, and the sooner Tweener is back in the loving embrace of Fox River, the happier I'll be. Ah, but this is my cross to bear, not yours, so let's see what the big dummy is up to this week. Why, he's hastily changing the car radio station so that Debra Jean doesn't hear the news report about how eight escaped convicts are still at large. Unfortunately for Tweener, he happens to stumble across "Take Me Home, Country Roads," forcing the kid who purports to be a card-carrying member of the hip-hop generation into feigning a love for all things John Denver. Debra Jean is as dubious as the rest of us, forcing Tweener to sing along, as only he can:

Country ho
Take me home
To your place
I've got cash
Country ho
In West Virginia
Take me home
My country ho

Great. Now do Annie's Song.

Now that butchering the lyrics of John Denver has put Debra Jean's suspicions to rest, Tweener raises them again by acting all jumpy when she blows by a speed trap. "Yo, slow down," he says nervously. Debra Jean points out that she's barely doing 65. Tweener repeats his command to slow down. "All right, Dad," she replies snottily. Tweener tries to laugh this odd behavior off as well: "Yo, we can't be having that, man. Tickets are like 200 bones." Debra Jean does not seem convinced that that's an entirely logical explanation for Tweener's caution. Maybe a couple choruses of Leaving on a Jet Plane will throw her off the scent.

Over on the road to Utah -- Whoo-ho! Road Trip! -- the gang has pulled over, so that Geary can answer nature's call. "I never thought I'd say this, Scofield," Bellick begins, "but I thank God for the day you walked into Fox River." "And out of it," Geary adds, turning around mid-stream. Hey, producers -- can we maybe get a strategically placed bush around Geary so that some things are best left to the imagination? While Bellick and Geary laugh at their good fortune, Michael attempts to comfort Nika. She is understandably less than soothed: "You told me nothing would happen. You promised me." As she stalks off, Bellick observes, "That is one pissed off commie you've got on your hands, Scofield," and you can't really argue with that assessment. You can, however, argue with his follow-up observation: "Didn't your mama teach you how to treat a lady, or was she a whore like this one?" Linc certainly takes issue with that, as he starts for Bellick, before the Sweaty One reminds him who's holding the gun. "We only need one of you to take us to the money," Geary reminds him. Which, come to think of it, is a really good point -- why are you marching around both the handsome, devilishly clever brother and the handsome, brutally strong brother whose been known to clean house in a prison riot or two when putting a bullet in the brutally strong brother reduces your hostage-management duties by a third? I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation as to why; it's just that I'm not seeing it right now. Linc and Michael seem to be following my logic, as the two of them back down from the gun-toting morons who've captured them.

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Prison Break




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