This show has been missing something -- a certain wry and cheerful embrace of pragmatic evil, as exemplified by the dear departed Paul "Barracuda" Kellerman -- but tonight, dear readers, that shining, sarcastic presence returned! No, not Kellerman -- I wish -- but snarky bad guys! General Von Baldy vaulted into the top tier of characters I am always glad to see, as he wittily and repeatedly put Dr. Sara and Linc in their places. The former spent all her time fretting over Michael's super-duper-cutting-edge operation. The latter is now a remarkably motivated and effective probationary henchthug for the One World Conspiracy.
Linc spends most of the episode tooling around the 310 with Sucre, hot on Gretchen and Don Self's squabbling tails. He barely misses catching them at the pier where they were supposed to meet the buyer's agent, then manages to meet up with everyone back at Team Scylla HQ. The buyer's agent escapes with Scylla, Gretchen and Self go on the run, and Lincoln now has something on his to-do list for the next episode. Well, it'll fill up the space where "Conspire with Michael" used to go, as the younger brother is like, "You wrecked your life to save mine? I don't get it!" The irony tastes like ice cream.
Speaking of Michael: owing to the nature of his operation, he's in a lucid dreaming state through the whole thing, and Westmoreland drops by to act as a sort of spirit guide. While he's hanging with Westmoreland in an empty version of Fox River, Michael realizes that Scylla's not so much a rolodex of evil as it is a business plan. When he wakes up, he shares this news with Dr. Sara, who's all, "That's very nice, but I'm a little more worried about the fact that the One World Conspiracy scrambled your brains with a few knitting needles." This operation's side effects will doubtlessly be exposed in the fall finale.
As for the other two Fox River escapees: T-Bag gets some teeth pulled by Linc before the credits, and that's it for this episode. And Sucre -- oh, I can barely bring myself to type the terrible truth: Sucre breaks the "in sickness and in health" clause in the Papi vows. He takes off for parts and plots unknown.
Perhaps Sucre can run into Mahone somewhere along the line, as Mahone engineers his own escape from Lang and Wheeler. Yawn -- wake me when he starts being relevant to the plot again.
It's mid-December, and the airwaves are blanketed with shows in which beloved regulars don Santa hats and remember valuable lessons about the human condition. That's right: 'tis the season for holiday-themed episodes. Yet where are we with Prison Break -- August? Blahvember? There is no way to tell. And if ever there was a series in which the regulars needed a valuable lesson about the nobler aspects of the human condition, it's this one. Therefore, I have decided that instead of recapping the regular episode, I'm going to recap the holiday episode that should have aired. You're welcome, and happy holidays!
So, the Prison Break Christmas episode opens in a rustic cabin, high in the San Bernadino mountain range outside Los Angeles. We see Michael walking up the snowy steps of the front porch, saying to Dr. Sara, "I don't really want anything for Christmas. Now that the One World Conspiracy's been dismantled and General Von Baldy's behind bars, there's not a thing --"
And I have just been informed that by the terms of the contract I signed with TWOP, I must recap television show episodes as they aired, not as I would have liked them to air. All right, Legal, you've spoken, and I must comply. But A Very Prison Break Christmas will continue to air during the commercial breaks in the regular recap.
On the REAL episode: Dr. Sara happens to have swung by the One World Conspiracy HQ, and Linc is filling her in on the details she may have missed in the last episode: "Michael needs surgery. He's going to get it... [General Von Baldy] has arranged for the best doctors in the world." When Dr. Sara floats the idea that maybe, letting conspiracy goons scramble Michael's brains isn't the best option, Linc shuts her down. Dr. Sara says, "I don't understand why [the One World Conspiracy] would help him." General Von Baldy materials out of thin air and brightly says, "Dr. Tancredi! Welcome." Dr. Sara levitates about a foot thanks to sheer horror, and General Von Baldy says soothingly, "Please. There's nothing to be afraid of. All we want is to help --" "You're going to save Michael?" she asks. General Von Baldy gives her the skeptical eyebrow and a "You question our capabilities?" No, Dr. Sara is questioning the likelihood that Michael will wake up with a bomb wired in his brain, or something equally nefarious. General Von Baldy asks, "When a fellow human being is suffering, why would we not want to lend a hand? Empathy, Sara, is the only thing that separates us from the beasts." If this evil overlord thing doesn't work out, General Von Baldy can travel to disaster regions and tender his services as an emergency cooler, seeing as butter wouldn't melt in his mouth.