So there's been a lot of buzz in the news about how the Prison Break writers are all, "So, how do we stretch this out for three, four, five years?" I have the answer for them: turn it into a road-trip show, starring Kellerman, Michael and Linc. Because the three of them in one car? Comedy gold.
Car of Comedy Gold heads to Montana to pick up Steadman, because hauling the live brother of Madame President Evil before a news organization will not only exonerate Lincoln, it'll raise all sorts of awkward questions for the current Commander in Chief. Kellerman lets slip that thanks to all sorts of backstory mumbo-jumbo, the man we all know as Steadman will not, in fact, be forensically identified as Steadman. This means two things: when the cowardly Steadman offs himself rather than face up to the consequences of his actions, Car of Comedy Gold is sort of screwed. Also, the U.S. government is apparently sitting on some earth-shaking new scientific developments if they can completely eradicate mitochondrial DNA. (I covered why mtDNA can be used to identify people even with very, very small DNA samples nearly five years ago.)
In between these delightful scenes, we learn that Agent Kim is having kittens over the fact that Mahone's not dead, Kellerman's on a revenge road trip, and Lincoln Burrows still is alive. Kim recovers by throwing Mahone's kid under a car, the better to strong-arm the agent into continuing to work for the One World Conspiracy. Mahone ostensibly agrees to play ball, but given than he's just capped Agent Von Blondie (you know, the guy hailed as a hero after killing Veronica), it's just as likely that Mahone's planning on going after the One World Conspiracy too. Perhaps he can join Car of Comedy Gold.
And when we're not thrilling to the hijinks of the One World Conspiracy and their unwilling pawns, we spend a lot of time suffering through three different subplots. First up: Bellick is trying not to get killed by the same people he used to torment. This subplot confuses me, because I get the feeling I'm supposed to sympathize with Bellick, and yet I cannot help but feel that this is a case of reaping what you sow. The second subplot: C-Note's dealing with an angry brother-in-law, since nobody in the family is thrilled that Dede's gone down for aiding and abetting her fugitive husband.
Finally, the most ridiculous subplot of the night: T-Bag decides to play happy families with Susan and the kids, and it turns out a filthy, one-handed ex-con is more than capable of overpowering three people (all of whom have all their hands) and hammering the door shut while all they do is gawk. Frankly, given how well T-Bag can spin any situation to his advantage,. The Madame Evil administration would do well to track him down and hire him to figure out damage control once the Steadman story inevitably breaks.
Previously on Prison Break: Let's just assume y'all are all up to speed on Season One, and just review the first thirteen episodes of Season Two. Here's what happened so far: Veronica -- dead! Michael and Linc's father -- dead! Dr. Sara's father -- dead! Geary -- dead! Abruzzi -- dead! Tweener -- dead, yo! Assorted people who had the poor fortune to run into T-Bag at the wrong moment -- dead!
Also, nobody knows what has become of Haywire. T-Bag has skipped out with the $1 million -- apparently, lopping off a hand only means your remaining limbs gain superhuman strength and dexterity -- then framed Bellick for Geary's murder before heading out to repair his relationship with Susan. Dr. Sara elected not to repair her relationships with either Michael or Kellerman. Sucre is still panting after the undeserving Maricruz. C-Note just managed to get his wife arrested a few miles south of the Canadian border. The One World Conspiracy's had some personnel shake-ups -- Kellerman out, Agent Kim in -- and a few performance issues with reluctant stooge Agent Mahone. L.J. was freed from prison and is now on the run with the ever-stylish Kristin Lehmann.
And somewhere in all that, Michael's plan has continued to unravel on him and Linc has merrily busted heads when needed. Also, the brothers run. A lot. In fact, that's what they were doing when we last saw them. They were running, Mahone was running until Kellerman shot him, and now...
There is still running. Kellerman and the brothers make their way out of the tunnel, and Kellerman shouts that he knows the way out. Everyone hastily piles into his big, black Chevy Deforester (or whatever the hell it is) and Kellerman tears out of there just as the cop cars and the police helicopter arrive on the scene.
The camera quickly switches to some no-nonsense officer who's busy setting up his folks. His stream of barked orders is interrupted by the gentle chirp of a distant mobile phone. Naturally, he hears it, and it leads him to discover Mahone's slumped body at the top of the exit staircase.
The officer picks up the phone and answers it. On the other end, Agent Kim feigns confusion: "Officer Tuttle?" He quickly whirls into another room and closes the door behind him. We get a quick shot of Fox News ("Uranium Enrichment to Commence By Next Year! Another Crusade for Democracy to Commence Shortly After That!") and then Kim says, "I'm looking for Alexander Mahone -- I'm his direct supervisor." Officer Tuttle remorsefully says, "Your boy's been shot." It is all Agent Kim can do to keep from giggling with glee.