Sweet fancy Moses, do Michael and Lincoln radiate some sort of lobotomizing rays on the female population? I ask this after an episode in which Dr. Sara hangs up on her terribly-concerned father to chat with "Lance" after her dad warns her explicitly to stay away from the guy, and after a boozy divorcee invites Team Escarpara into her house on Michael's cock-and-bull story about needing to check for power line corruption and Lincoln's strategic grunting.
Anyway, the boys are hanging out in this lady's garage because it just happens to be built over the silo where Westmoreland buried his stash. Their idea is to break up the concrete floor, find the silo foundation, then find the money. Since the only digs T-Bag can get in are the verbal ones, he's left to charm the lady of the house. This works well for fifty-some minutes, until she asks him to set her up with Linc and T-Bag's feelings are hurt. He's not what you'd call a natural-born wingman.
Also, this is not Tweener's episode. He gets bullied by the rest of the guys in Team Escarpara, sent hither and yon on errands, then apprehended by Mahone. Will he give his teammates up? Will T-Bag kill the boozy divorcee? Will Kellerman kidnap Dr. Sara? Stay tuned for next week.
We begin the episode with Haywire. As he pedals along on his purloined bicycle, the opening notes to what sounds like the "teach us to dance, Zorba!" number kick in.
Haywire rolls through the drive-in at a fast food restaurant, then decides to pull up to the window. The music continues its progression from a dozy little collection of chords to more tightly organized and speedy bouzouki music, right as Haywire moves from goggling at the fast food restaurant to breaking in through the window and doing things with the soft-serve machine that are downright unseemly. Seriously, if reading Fast Food Nation didn't put you off the stuff slung across the counter at our nation's alleged eateries, watching Haywire deep-throat the business end of an ice cream machine, then swim in the downpour from the soft drink fountain, may well do the trick.
His revels among the condiments are curtailed when two excruciatingly wholesome teenagers come in to open up the fast-food joint. Since they are TV teenagers, and therefore merely a collection of walking hormones with some vestigial survival skills attached, they promptly fall to rutting on the counter. However, catching sight of Haywire's sticky, pop-eyed mug cools the young lady's jets right quick. Especially since he's sitting there sipping a soda and avidly watching the action as if he's at a 1980s-style "horny teens have screwball adventures" movie.
Meanwhile, out in Tooele, Lincoln is driving the kids around the subdivision to try and figure out where that silo might have been. He pulls over in front of a house surrounded by mature trees, then makes this incisive observation: "The ranch is gone, Michael." Really? What was your first clue, Linc? Michael says dully that the money might not be. From the back seat, T-Bag pipes up with some asperity: "And you gonna find (that money) how? What, you got a divining rod tattooed on your ass?" Hee! Also, wouldn't it be awesome if the answer was "yes"? Well! Michael completely loses his cool. He informs T-Bag at the top of his lungs that: "I don't want to hear anything out of your mouth other than what your photographic memory spits out concerning that map!" Linc averts his eyes. I cannot decide if this is because he's been hoping Michael would finally display some temper, or because he knows that whenever Michael loses his temper, it doesn't end well. Here, T-Bag snarls back, "You watch your mouth with me, boy." Michael's snapped back into cool reserve, and that's even more unnerving than the screaming. He slams an icy Blue Steel onto T-Bag and whispers, "I will watch you get tossed to the side of the road to fend for yourself, boy. Because if you can't remember where that silo was, you're worthless to us." T-Bag takes a moment to ponder whether Michael's bluffing. Tweener takes a moment to remind us he's still in the trunk. Without raising his voice above a weary monotone, Linc tells Tweener to shut up. Y'all, Linc is totally the dad on the family road trip from Hell: "Don't make me turn this car around and head back to Fox River!"