The things I do for you people. The Miss America pageant was on tonight, and I have a longstanding tradition to tie one on and heckle the proceedings. But could I do that tonight? NO. Because silly CMT moved the pageant from Saturday -- as would have been meet and proper, because then I would have still had the rest of the weekend to recover from the effects of the pageant -- to Monday. Now I have to TiVo the pageant's re-showing and hold my pageant party a day later.
Okay, so the Car of Comedy Gold manages to hijack a local news crew's camera (and a hostage -- always thinking, that Kellerman) and then they make a recording that more or less hips the entire country to what's been going on for the past 35 episodes -- only, because Kellerman is an evil genius, they make sure their body language makes it seem like they're lying. Kellerman calculates that this will send the FBI on a number of wild goose chases. (Sigh. He's so dreamy! So evil and dreamy!) Unfortunately, Mahone quickly figures this out, and he figures out that the boys are looking for the good doctor Tancredi.
They find her -- or, to be more accurate, she finds them, thanks to the message Michael cleverly hid in his televised apology to her. She and Michael have a phone reunion (no heavy breathing, alas) and plan to meet up. And while that is going on, Madame President Evil and Kellerman have a phone reunion. So we're all left with the impression that Kellerman's going to go running back to his ladylove on her say-so, because love has made him blind to the possibility that maybe Madame President Evil is trying to draw him out on the One World Conspiracy's orders.
In subplot news:
* Forget Sucre -- the man's new name is Juan Valjean. Because, seriously, his entire subplot is out of Les Miserables. He steals a kindly old man's car, and when he's apprehended by the police, the old man's all, "Actually, officer, I forgot to give him gas money."
* It turns out Haywire has some parental-abuse issues. When the teen he buys beer for expresses a passing interest in his welfare, he soon learns that she's abused. This incites him, so he stalks her back to her place, then busts in and beats her dad to death.
* Bellick is still learning about the boomeranging effects of karma. After an inmate informs him that the prisoners have made it their goal to make sure he stays alive long enough to suffer through many crunchy beatings, Bellick begins scheming for a way to escape. Trying to sex up Nurse Gossipson doesn't work, but Mahone's sudden appearance just might.
Oh, and if any of you spoil the pageant for me, I will go all T-Bag on you. And believe you me, nobody wants to see me with a bad dye job and bionic limbs.
We start the episode with a FOX "News" special bulletin. I can only imagine what the news will be. Dinesh D'Souza got a hunting permit for the editorial board of the New York Times? A Democratic majority in congress causes cancer?
Noooo... it's cross-channel synergy in action, wherein a "real" "news" organization lends credibility -- or is that "credibility"? -- to this week's episode by informing viewers that Lincoln, Michael and Kellerman shot their way out of the Cutback Motel in beautiful downtown Cutback, Montana. Oh, then they had time to sit down and make a video about their experiences.
We go to a shot of Linc introducing himself and insisting that he's innocent. Then the screen goes staticky and we see a caption reading, "Six hours earlier ... "
Six hours earlier, Terrence Steadman had taken hotel redecorating into his own hands, and decided to paint the wall with the contents of his head. Lincoln says drearily, "We're done." Kellerman springs into action, striding around and saying, "There's no other way out of here. Next time you decide to hold a press conference in a hotel room, make sure there's a back door." Michael can only reply feebly, "You think?" Heh.
We then hear a cop instruct Michael and Lincoln to exit with their hands in the air. From our respective couches, the husband and I chant "like you just don't care." The news crews are all standing around. The police instruct, via bullhorn, "Exit with your hands up." Kellerman rolls his eyes at the boys. Lincoln points to Steadman's body and asks, "What about him?" "What about him? He's useless," Kellerman says. Lincoln points out that there's a dead body and his fingerprints are everywhere. Kellerman asks incredulously, "Are you worried that someone's going to pin a murder on you?" Linc does not snap back, "It wouldn't be the first time!"
Anyway, Kellerman sticks his ID badge out the door and yells, "FBI! Hold your fire! I have Burrows and Scofield in custody and we're coming out. Hold your fire!" The news crew swivels over. Kellerman comes out; the boys have made like they're cuffed. The police officer comes over and asks Kellerman for his I.D. Kellerman says, "Federal Bureau of Investigation. We're going to Billings." The officer insists, "Let me see that I.D. again." That's when Linc and Michael decide to show him that they're not really cuffed. In the time it takes me to type this sentence, there's a brief scuffle and Kellerman's come out of it with his very own hostage. Michael hollers, "I want keys to both of the cop cars now." The news reporter shouts for the cop not to do it, and Michael shouts at the cop, "Don't listen to her! Get the keys!" And wow, is it hot when he's like that. Forget the Blue Steel and the whispering: Screamy Scofield is where it's at.