Private Practice

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DeAnn Welker: A- | Grade It Now!
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Parental Guidance
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

No previouslies, because we open right where Grey's Anatomy ended. Only not really. Grey's ended and then this show starts over the credits, but it's Dell's wife's funeral, which has nothing to do with that show. I'm not sure how they expect this to attract viewers, since they didn't even really say, "Keep watching as Mark Sloan visits Private Practice or whatever." So, anyway, funeral. Sad music. Betsey's putting flowers on a grave, as Naomi tries to touch her daughter's hair, but Maya's not having it. You know, it's not so much a funeral as just Dell, Betsey, Naomi, and Maya standing at a grave. Betsey finishes leaving stuff for her mom and walks right by Dell, asking Naomi if she can go to school now.

Oceanside. Charlotte's arriving as Cooper's waiting for the elevator. They just look at each other sadly? Madly? Bitterly? Like people in a fight? Just choose your own ending, because any/all work. In an exam room, Addison's checking out Sloan Sloan's baby, telling Mark that bringing Sloan down here is not an apology. Sloan asks where the AVM is, and it's sort of confusing because I thought an AVM is what killed Nate Fisher, but here it seems to have something to do with Sloan Sloan's womb. Basically, though, the point is that Sloan Sloan is worried, and Addison is amazing and everything will be fine. Addison's going to go in laproscopically and cut one of the bands from around the baby's legs, so he'll be fine. Sloan Sloan says that Addison said she'd be fine last time, and Mark says that was his fault, since he made Addison stop the surgery early. Addison says that is an apology. Sloan Sloan thinks something's sticking out of the baby's head, but Addison assures her it's just his penis, and says Sloan Sloan's going to freak herself out and her blood pressure's already high. Mark says she's scared, and so is he. Sunny title card.

Addison introduces Pete to the two Sloans, so that Pete can help Sloan calm down. It goes about as well as you'd imagine, what with it being Mark and Pete. First, Mark makes fun of Pete's specialty, and then Pete makes fun of Mark's. And everybody says "dude" a lot. Addison tells Mark she's in charge and he's going to let Pete do his thing. She makes him follow her out of the office.

Cooper shows up at a kid's house, who says his mom's not there, but when Cooper asks to wait inside, the kid, Cody, says, "My mom's a super good mom. She's super nice." Cooper's like, "I know. I've met her." So Cody lets him in, and it's a horrifying pigsty. Someone on the writing staff's been watching Hoarders. Not exactly ripped from the headlines, but ripped from ... basic cable. Cody asks Cooper not to knock over any piles, and then Cooper follows him to a somewhat clean area where he removes Cody's cast. Cooper wonders if Cody wanted him to come here to see how much stuff she keeps. Cody's mom comes home, and freaks out that Cooper's here. Cody says the itching was killing him. Cooper casually tells her he needs to go to the hospital because he has a pretty bad infection. She says she'll follow.

At Oceanside, Cooper diagnoses the mom as "crazy cakes," which Violet laughs at, but I don't think her psychiatry is much better than that on a regular basis. She tells him the crap piled everywhere sounds like hoarding, which is an obsessive-compulsive disorder that can be triggered by trauma or be genetic. She says she'll talk to her, though this is a hard disorder to treat. Cooper says the kid is great, has a staph infection and is in the hospital, and Cooper's leaving him there until the house is clean. Violet says that might take awhile, so Cooper says his other option is to call child protective services. Violet asks how things are with Charlotte, and Cooper says he can't forgive her, so ... not great.

Addison's office. She and Mark bicker about what just happened. They accuse one another of being wound up, and she finally blurts, "Bizzy's a lesbian," so yeah, she's a little wound up. His turn: Lexie dumped him after he asked her to raise Sloan's baby with him and Sloan. Addison says Lexie's a little young for that, but Mark says, "Do NOT take her side." Then he says, "It sucks," and adds, mostly to pretend he cares, "Your thing sucks too." Addison wonders when they got so sad (Mark interrupts with "old," which is funny), and then asks if he ever wishes they did heroin. It's a dumb way of saying she just wants to put something "on top of it" to numb the pain, like Naomi does with food. Mark gets up and closes the blinds while she talks. He says he hears her desire to numb the pain, and he starts to strip. He says his life is in ruins, and he's about to be a grandfather. He says he doesn't know a lot of ways to numb the pain, but he does know one. He's totally naked behind a strategically placed pillow. She looks at his package and then gets up and makes out with him as he undresses her. They plop onto the couch together. And a million fans of this coupling passed out from the euphoria.

After commercials, Mark and Addison are trying to catch their breath on the floor of her office. Mark suggests they call in the dude with the needles to help calm her down and she giggles like a little girl. Okay, I'll admit it: They're pretty cute. They both laugh, and he says he forgot how much fun she was. She says that's what happens when you date children; you forget what it's like to be with a woman. He slaps her ass and says "Hey! No being mean about Lexie." She asks if he just spanked her and they start making out again ... when Sam walks in, and says, "Uh ... Addison, this is a place of business." Addison asks him to close the door, but Mark asks him to hand him his shirt. Pete walks up, sees them, does a double take, but then smiles as he says Sloan Sloan went right to sleep. Mark: "Great job there, dude." Pete says it's too bad he joined the other practice since this place has perks. Addison asks Sam to close the door, and he does, as he glares.

Violet's office. Hoarder Mom explains she keeps everything of Cody's, and she has other stuff to give to Goodwill, but hasn't gone through it yet. Violet wonders if she needs help doing that, since she's a single parent. Hoarder Mom admits it was easier before Cody's dad died three years ago, but she's fine. Violet asks how he died, but Hoarder Mom says she doesn't need help; she and Cody are fine. Addison comes out of her office and runs into Pete in the lobby. She says he gets thirty seconds, as her business partner, to lecture her. He would rather lecture his friend, but she says that's not going to happen. He doesn't think it's okay to have rules on their friendship, so she talks about herself in the third person, which he also comments on. Naomi comes in and asks if Addison slept with Mark on the floor of her office. Sam: "Yep. And she's making up rules. And she's talking about herself in third person." Addison goes on and on about how she has the right to do this after what she's been through with her family. Naomi tells Sam to leave Addison alone, since he's making her scream (but not in the way Sloan did, I might add). She tells Addison she's here if she needs her, and then leaves. Addison tells Sam that is a friend. Sam reminds Addison that she put the moves on him and he turned her down because he's a good person, but Sloan had her naked within an hour. She walks off, saying he broke the rules.

Naomi's. Betsey and Maya play a game as Dell watches. Naomi comes up and talks to him. He says Betsey's fine as long as she's not with him. Naomi says Maya hates her too, and Betsey will come around. De

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Private Practice

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