Private Practice

Episode Report Card
DeAnn Welker: B+ | 7 USERS: A+
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What They Can't Have

Fife and William are measuring their penises the only way they know how, which is to argue about something from New England Journal of Medicine about an experimental treatment that would allow people like Fife to walk, no matter how bad their injury. Naomi comes in and looks concerned, as William storms out. Naomi scolds Fife, who says he doesn't like being patronized. She asks what he has against him, because she's dumb, and Fife turns and says William White doesn't know Naomi; she's just a trophy in his case. He says he read that you shouldn't put down the competition when you're fighting for the girl you love, so he'll bring it back to him. He says he knows he's abrasive and snide, but she makes him a better person. Then he wheels away as Naomi looks shocked. SHOCKED! Because this wasn't the thing that was obviously going to happen since the first time we saw him.

Cooper's fondling bananas (no, really) in the breakroom at Oceanside when Charlotte comes in and asks if he's going to eat it or make love to it. He says bananas are amazing, and he'll never look at them in the same way again. Okay, I really want to smack him and I don't think I'm as cranky as Charlotte, so I don't know how she's refraining at this point. He gives her a banana and says he'll find another. She uses it to beat him and then says to cut the crap since he followed her into the bathroom and then left for two weeks. She says the sex didn't have to mean they're together, but it has to mean something. He says it was a mistake and he's been with a therapist for two weeks working this out. And "I forgive you." She's like, "You forgive me?" And hits him again on the way out of the room.

Entering a nearby room is Naomi, bringing chocolate into Addison's office. Addison says she needs to talk to someone about her eating disorder, and Naomi just tells her to shut up. Then she fills her in that Fife's in love with her. Addison, "Really? You sure?" Naomi is, since he told her so. Addison asks how you turn down the guy in the wheelchair, but Naomi says she doesn't even notice the wheelchair anymore. She goes on and on about how he can't love her, because he's mean and morally adrift and everything that she hates, so he's really not allowed to love her. Addison: "Oh!" Naomi: "What?" Addison: "You like him." Naomi says she doesn't since she's dating William. Addison: "You like him a lot." Naomi, sighing: "Oh, I like him a lot."

May and Gay are being rushed into the hospital by Pete. Apparently they tried sex again, but the condom broke or something because May can't even breathe. Am I the only one who finds it hilarious that a lily-selling obviously gay man's wife is ALLERGIC to him? Convenient? Or poison? I kid. May's freaking out and seizing, until Pete talks her down and gives her some sort of oxygen thing. Pete doesn't know what happened. DRAMA! Commercials. Chad Ochocinco might actually get me to watch Dancing With the Stars. I mean, he was at Oregon State the same time I was, so we are practically BFFs, right?

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Private Practice

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