The depressing story du jour is actually a carry over of last week's depressing story because why not drag out the misery? So Billy Riggins from Friday Night Lights is down on his luck and his wife signed up to be a surrogate, but the evil rich people's triplets killed her and now she is a human incubator for the fetuses (feti?) who are, like, putting the suck in succubus. He wants to take her off life support, but obviously the rich people paid an amount approximating the GDP of Botswana for the procedure and don't really want to lose their investment because some blue collar schlub wants his wife to die with dignity. Lawyers get involved and Charlotte gets to yell and then a judge decides that the woman is indeed going to be a human incubator and to add insult to injury her husband has to stay far far away from her in case he gets any big ideas. Charlotte, being the secretly sentimental sucker, lets him into the hospital room. Two seconds later he disconnects the ventilator. But but but…his wife doesn't die! Instead she is breathing on her own. Medical Miracle! Charlotte is too stunned to take credit.
Naomi is understandably still pissed off that Addison, like, frenched her husband (ex, whatever, still counts for these purposes). But Naomi has her own distracting man issues since the second her boyfriend left the country without telling her and simultaneously stood her up for a date, she started making out with Dr. Fife. The ensuing emotional turmoil drives her to attempt to shove twelve Reese Peanut Butter Cups in her mouth at the same time. Freaky, really. Then she gets busted mid-binge by Dr. Fife who bossy bosses her into making out with him. And him being a man who stupidly thinks real kisses are better than Hershey's kisses. As if! Obviously Naomi has questions about Fife's viability what with him being in a wheelchair and all. So she logically decides to ask Charlotte for advice because why the fuck not, right? They're best friends, right? And there is no internet access at Oceanside Wellness, so what choice does she have? Charlotte hands her a pamphlet on "Sex with the Disabled" and sends her on her fornicating way. Obviously, Dr. Fife busts her with the reading material and propositions her properly. All class that guy. Then for some post-coital pillow talk, Fife breaks it to Naomi that William has ALS and is going to die. HAHAhahaha Naomi cheated on a dying man. So much for her holier than thouness. She buys a ticket to William's bedside to assuage her guilt.
Dell hits on one of his pregnant patients who's on very strict bed rest. While he is conducting his exam, the single mom's daughter ominously coughs once and it seems obvious that someone is going to die, because that is exactly how this show rolls. Then the mother fails in her one responsibility--which is to not get up--and her water breaks and instantaneous labor ensues. While I totally thought the mom was going to have to choose which baby lives and which baby dies (because, you know, Private Practice has a reputation to maintain), but instead the baby gets stuck and Dell wants to break the baby (!!!) to get it out. Everyone LOVES that idea. But it works. So kind of a let down, really.
When Pete gets sick while his kidlet, Lucas, is sick, Addison decides to help out by playing underpaid babysitter. Obviously the cool, competent neonatal surgeon doesn't last two minutes with a cranky baby and she whines, winges, and calls Cooper, Sam, and practically everyone except for Pete who has locked himself in the attic or something and is nowhere to be seen. Addison gets the serious crazies and wanders around petting her cat for, like, the rest of the hour and then suddenly the baby is asleep and all is well and she is almost a successful woman. And then Pete calls her "Violet" and she kills him. I may have hallucinated that last bit about killing.
Well, the baby killers at Oceanside Wellness are at it again. Except this time instead of the writers being baby killers, this time THE BABIES ARE THE KILLERS. Specifically, the demon seed of a rich white couple has turned into sociopathic half-formed KILLERS who are slowly sucking the life from their loving surrogate who just wanted to put some food on her table. Her poor sad sack blue collar husband watches over his comatose wife really wishing he had gone to college and gotten a better paying job, because clearly, if he had only taken international relations instead of shop he would not be in this mess. Okay, I don't actually know that he is a blue collar worker, but he is acting like one. It could just be the fact that he is Billy Riggins in real life and I can't separate the actor from his craft. Anyway, he's making very mournful eyes at his wife, but outside her room Addison and Sam are boning each other with their own mournful eyes. You see, they got busted snuggling by Naomi and now Naomi is not talking to Addison and the four horsemen of the apocalypse are en route to Santa Monica or whatever. Sam claims that Naomi is totally justified in her anger and Addison should just bonk his brains out already so that Naomi's anger is rational. Addison is shocked (SHOCKED!) that Sam would suggest they actually have sex (Again. Again?) because Naomi is her EVERYTHING and while she will flirt madly with her ex-husband and have (apparently unmemorable) sex with him, SHE WILL NOT HAVE SEX WITH HIM. I actually can't remember if these two have actually done IT in the sixth grade sense of the word. But I'm with Sam on this: If Naomi already thinks you did it and your end goal is to do it, JUST DO IT (all apologies to Nike). Addison then points out that Sam has a girlfriend and she is dating Pete so really this whole conversation is just for giggles. Who are these people? Just date each other already! Or don't! Just shut up about it! Addison wanders back into coma girl's room where her husband is blubbering in her general direction and she pats him gingerly on the back while trying to keep the tears off her Chanel. Billy Riggins finally announces that he wants to pull the plug on his wife because she wouldn't want to live like this. I am not crying. Okay, fine, I am. I hate this dumb show.
Addison wisely seeks counsel before unplugging a woman carrying three paid-for babies. That is how this show is different from Grey's Anatomy. She has learned! Grown even! Anyway, Sam and Addison both feel the need to honor Billy Riggins' wishes despite the fact it is more than a little unsavory to simultaneously let three babies die. But if a baby is not in jeopardy then it is not Private Practice now is it? The parents of the triplets obviously are not keen on the plan. Those are THEIR BABIES in that woman's stomach! Doesn't he understand he would be KILLING BABIES if he takes his wife off the respirator? Billy Riggins simply does not care because a) the dumb babies killed his wife first and thus b) he does not want his wife being used as a human incubator to bring the little sociopaths into the world. I mean, have they seen Alien? That is not a movie you want to reenact. Everyone stares at each other. I think in international relations they would call this "détente." Not that Billy Riggins would know that.
Over at Oceanside Wellness, Dell has mysteriously decided to spend some quality time with Charlotte. Like, CHOICES, Dell! Sheesh. Obviously she gives him some tough pull-yourself-up-by-the-bootstraps love along with a shot of shut the hell up. I love her. Naomi is sulking in her office because her ex-husband snuggled her best friend and now she has no one. Think how much she'd be moping if she knew her boyfriend was dying? Pete wanders into her office to complain that Addison is heartbroken that Naomi won't talk to her because she was canoodling with Sam. Wait, why would Pete be pro-canoodle? Obviously Naomi doesn't want to talk about it. So Pete explains that his kid is sick and he is sick and he is going home to chant over the child and give him herbs and acupuncture. Babies love acupuncture. As Pete leaves, Dr. Fife rolls in and Naomi's face falls even further (WRINKLES!). She reminds Fife that kissing aside, she is dating William. Fife points out that William left the country, didn't tell her, and stood her up for a date so maybe kissing is back on? Naomi is having a really crap day.
Cooper re-pays Charlotte for her loan that let him buy into the partnership. She is suspicious, but Cooper really is being all mature. Charlotte, however, not so much. She marches into Sheldon's office, rips his shirt off, and climbs on top of him. EWwwwwwwwWWWWWW. That's how Sheldon and Charlotte make me feel.
At the hospital, Charlotte has taken a whore-bath (I hope) and is now in her medical whites and is pretending to be professional and introducing herself to Billy Riggins. He restates his desire to take his wife off life support. He does not want to wait six weeks for the demon children to be viable. He wants to do it now. Then the magic L word is mentioned: LAWYER. Charlotte recommends Billy Riggins get a lawyer, too. Then she kicks him out of the room until a judge can decide the fate of his wife. Obviously he blames Addison for this because making Addison feel guilty about things is, in fact, the most fun you can have with no money.
Sam and Addison are not at all canoodling when the elevator opens, but Naomi still doesn't want to see them. Addison takes the forced imprisonment of an elevator to repeat that she and Sam never meant to have feelings for each other. It just happened! Deal with it! Strangely this does not work for Naomi. She bursts into tears and runs off. Ooh looky Addison feels guilty again. Later, Addison heads home to her cat and is startled to find Pete and Lucas shacking up there. Pete is coming down with the plague, so Addison volunteers to take care of the baby while Pete dies. Pete's naturally uncertain that he wants Addison caring for a live baby, but she insists and he's too weak to fight her off. Back at the office, Naomi is attempting to drown her many many sorrows in Dove bars. She has about five in her mouth when Dr. Fife finds her. He insists she drop the chocolate and let his tongue do the cramming. She does need a cuddle, so she drops the chocolate and lets him grope her. I'm sure that is MUCH healthier. God these people are fucked up. Does the new health care bill offer mental health exams for doctors? 'Cause I wouldn't want these people anywhere near a bunion, let alone a baby.
Speaking of babies, Dell is filling in for Addison who has dropped her doctorly duties to take care of Lucas. The patient is stuck on bed rest and is not particularly thrilled to have a strange male midwife show up in her house to do a vaginal exam. Gosh, I wonder why that would make her uncomfortable? She smartly makes Dell call Addison to confirm that he's not just some street-wandering pervert. While Dell's on the phone he offers some child-care advice to Addison that is so touching that the patient changes her mind and says Dell can touch her anywhere he wants. Likely!
Back at the hospital Charlotte is trying to convince Billy Riggins that she hates the situation as much as he does. Oddly, he doesn't quite believe that. He has called lawyers, but they are all too expensive and Charlotte won't even let him sit with his dying wife. Charlotte gives him the name and number of a nonprofit group, which surprises Sam. Charlotte swears that she is a real live human with actual feelings processors. But Sam doesn't really care. I mean, he's not sleeping with her. Yet.
Dell tells Addison's patient that she still has to stay on bed rest and he will come back tomorrow to check her again. Just then her daughter comes home from school with an ominous sounding cough. PLEASE LET IT BE EBOLA AND THEY HAVE TO ISOLATE THE HOUSE! PLEASE!! Dell promises to bring Cooper with him the next day so he can get that cough checked out. Sheldon is missing some buttons on his shirt after his afternoon del