Addison wants to talk to Sam about wedding fashions and about dating good old Pete, but there's this damn baby that is rudely insisting on being born prematurely. Pete calls an ambulance, Naomi and Addison. Luckily the paramedics gamely agree to cart the bawling woman, her almost-born baby, and all three doctors to the hospital for the Heartbreaking Decision du Jour. The baby is 25 weeks old (but doesn't look a day over 20!) Everything is going wrong for the poor little guy and his dance card is already full of surgeries, ventilators, and incubators. Addison totally wants to mercy kill the baby on sight, but the parents, Pete and Naomi are all against it, which is shocking, I know.
Meanwhile, Cooper manages to fend off Charlotte's new boyfriend's Oxy scamming ways. When he goes to seek Violet's so-called counsel, she compares casual Oxy use to taking too many allergy meds or being prescribed anti-depressants, because she is the most awesomest doctor ever. Then Cooper passive aggressively rats the guy out to Charlotte, who, obviously, couldn't give a rat's patoot about Cooper's aspersions. So Cooper goes to the man himself who swears he doesn't have a problem, but Cooper wants him to go talk to Violet, because she has lots of experience with drug addicts and being a lousy doctor and can totally relate and thus is qualified to be the arbiter of that situation. Obviously the guy is not really excited by that idea, but he'll do it anyway, which is just another example of how much this show strives for realism. When the doc gets snippy in his forced therapy, it totally proves he's a nutter with a drug habit. But when the druggie screws up on Cooper's patient, Charlotte's administrative side kicks in and the guy gets kicked to the curb.
Dell is offering up marriage advice and consolations to Maya, whose cranky mom won't come to her shotgun wedding. Luckily Rosanna Arquette is there to pick up the maternal slack (and apparently every crimping iron in the greater LA area). She is trying to put a positive spin on the wedding and she is trying to drag Sam with her. But Maya wants her mommy and goes to the hospital to beg Naomi reconsider. Instead of being touched by Maya's gesture, Naomi decides that nothing makes up for crap parenting than an even bigger pile of crap parenting. Sam finally gives her a long overdue dressing down (after Dell gave him one) and obviously she doesn't miss her daughter's wedding. So Maya gets shotgun wedded and it's as lovely as any 16-year-old's wedding ever was. Also, Cooper and Charlotte consummate the marriage in the bathroom, which was very considerate of them to spare the bride of that indignity.
Meanwhile, Addison operates on the wee one and it doesn't go well. She calls for an end to her interventions, but the parents happily seize on the one-percent shot at a life outside the NICU for their kid and are waiting for a miracle. But one by one the doctors all start to agree with Addison and then, finally, the parents do, too. Tears are shed as this show kills another baby.
I'm just sayin', I could have been watching ice skating.
It's another beautiful day at Oceanside Wellness and another expectant mother is experiencing totally normal aches and pains that undoubtedly are leading to the imminent death of her unborn child because that is what happens to every expectant mother who ever crosses the threshold of this private practice. Didn't she notice the "Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter" sign hanging over the stoop? No? Oh well. So her baby is about to die, but first she has to make small talk WITH PETE. Gah! The universe is SO unfair sometimes. The mother is played by Sara Rue, who I adore, despite the fact that I couldn't actually name anything she has been in. So she starts have worsening contractions OBVIOUSLY and Pete calls Naomi who immediately insists she flee from the clutches of Pete the Evil Eastern Mystic and into a clean and proper hospital.
Out in the Foyer of Misery (I mean, really, has anything good ever happened there? ) Addison wants to talk to Sam about um... er... what to wear to the shotgun wedding? Sam is whiny because he has to write a toast and he wanted Addison's help and she wasn't home last night. This is undoubtedly because she is a complete ho-bag. This is confirmed by Addison who admits that she is seeing someone -- Someone Who Will Not Be Named. Sam is discomfited by this half revelation, luckily Addison is forcibly removed from the conversation by the damn preemie. Pete, Naomi, and Addison all ride in the back of the ambulance with the paramedic who doesn't at all seem interested in starting a territorial pissing contest with the three doctors for domain over the now screaming woman. Addison, to her credit, does not seem concerned about getting buckets of blood over her Diane Von Furstenburg dress. The wee babe is born in the ambulance while Pete sighs at the cruelty of the universe and the mom recites everything she ever read in "What to Expect When You're Expecting" which really did not include this. If only she had eaten more all natural yogurt and walked two miles a day in orthopedic shoes whilst drinking a gallon of water! It's all her fault!
Elsewhere in the hospital, "Doctor" Cooper talks to his little hernia patient who is recovering from surgery. The surgeon comes blustering in and swears the surgery went awesome, but everyone leaves him hanging for the High Five due to the Giant Douche sign hanging over his head. His general douchiness is confirmed when he claims he got an owie on the tennis court and could really use a prescription for some Oxycontin. Druggie Douche [Who also happened to be Nip/Tuck's Carver which is a sure sign he's a doctor you don't want operating on your child. -- Angel]! Cooper balks and the guy backs off into the hallway where he runs in to his girlfriend who just happens to be Charlotte King. Awkwardness ensues. I wish Charlotte and Cooper would just get back together so we wouldn't have to endure the Awkward anymore.