If you're here for the big crossover event, you've come to the wrong place. Addison left Seattle at the end of Grey's Anatomy, so all of our L.A. doctors are back in Oceanside. Right away, Addison catches Archer making out with some random girl, only moments after Naomi told Addison that Archer's her boyfriend. Then Addison gets called in to help Dell deliver Anya's baby. It's a hermaphrodite, which is totally the type of thing you would expect from a demon, but she and her husband freak out anyway. They eventually choose to have it be a boy (even though it's 70 percent likely to be female), but Addison can't go through with it. The guy takes off and leaves Anya with the baby, who decides she agrees with Addison, and will let the baby choose. Meanwhile, Addison lectures Archer about turning into their father, but then he sleeps with his boss in his office. In case you aren't clear, that would be Charlotte. Addison walks in on them, of course. She tells Naomi, who goes to find him but is met with an empty office. He's gone, just like the hermaphrodite's dad. Naomi takes it out on that guy, though, telling him he needs to be there for the woman who loves him. He shows up in the end and kisses Anya's head, and holds their baby.
In other storylines: Sheldon and Violet do couples counseling – as the leaders, which is every bit as messed up as it sounds. They get one couple to split up, one to stay together based on lies, and a third to only speak in platitudes. Cooper and Charlotte keep trying to work it out, until she sleeps with Archer and then tells him. Oh, wait ... even after that they try to work it out, which is supposed to tell us how strong Cooper is or something. I don't know. It was stupid and I tried to ignore it. And Pete has a lady who keeps coming in to his office, asking for a "quickie" and for his hands to be all over her, and telling him how good he makes her feel. It's obviously not what you think, which is true. She's a cancer patient who wants his herbs instead of going to see the oncologist he's recommended. He finally turns her away for good. Sam and Sonya seem to be doing okay, until he calls her Naomi during sex. It's the one truly great moment in the episode. And Dell is still basically irrelevant, despite being adorable.
Addison and Naomi recap what happened last week on her pretty deck at night. Archer had parasites in his brain, but now he's fine. Naomi says, "All parts are working," but Addison is creeped out. Naomi says everything is good, and she thinks he's her boyfriend. But she hasn't talked to him about this, because that would be a little too grown-up and mature for these 40-year-olds. Addison gets up to go inside for more wine, and she finds Archer making out with a random girl by the door. Addison freaks out, and the lady's all, "Is this your wife? Are you married?!" Addison says no, but that he has a girlfriend who is here. Then she tells the lady she's sure she's nice - if a little old to be getting felt up in the foyer - but she should leave now. She calls Archer a whore. Her phone rings, and it's Dell, who needs Addison. Archer and Naomi are okay with that, though, because they're all lovey-dovey and making out as Addison leaves.
At Oceanside, Dell's apologizing for calling Addison in; he thought he could handle this one alone. But Addison just encourages him (I sort of love their relationship). They are delivering a baby for Anya and Lt. Daghlian. As soon as the baby's born, Addison gets all serious and worried as she examines it. Of course! It's a demon baby, right? Anya and Daghlian ask what's wrong, and Addison tells them she isn't sure if it's a boy or a girl. Sunny opening credits. I love how the sunshine of these opening credits always follows something tragic and sad.
After credits, Addison and Dell explain that Anya and Daghlian gave birth to a hermaphrodite. They try to make it sound all peaceful and okay, but the parents are clearly freaking. Addison says they'll run tests and get Naomi to consult. Daghlian is upset because he doesn't know what to tell people, since this is supposed to be their son, Matthew.
Sonya and Sam are in bed, all hot and heavy, when she asks why he went to Seattle. She thinks it's strange he'd go to be there for his ex-wife, who actually seems to have it all together from where Sonya's standing. He lamely explains. She says, "Okay," and when he asks if it really is, she tells him it's great that he has managed the impossible: maintaining a good relationship with his ex. They decide to go again. See how there's sex here? This is the Private Practice that I know and don't really love.