We all know some big-ol' crossover-worthy drama happens tonight, but let's start with the small stuff. Literally. As in, Violet's fetus. She continues to keep it a secret, until Dell gives her an ultrasound and tells her that the cramping she's having is caused as much by the secret she's keeping as the baby she's carrying. So she spills to Pete and Sheldon AT THE SAME TIME, and they are angry and confused, respectively. But it turns out they'd both like a baby, so Violet's going to have all the support she needs. Which will come in handy for Cooper, who spills Violet's secret to Charlotte and explains why he's living with her. Charlotte's response is that all of the first things he's going to experience being the "daddy" here should be experienced with their baby. Which is actually a cute point, and surely Violet will tell him to go away once she hears it (especially since she'll be busy fighting off the attentions of Daddies 1 and 2. Daddy 3 can go on back to Charlotte and replace Big Daddy).
Next up in size is the baby that Addison and Dell deliver (mostly Dell). He thinks he might have hurt it by using suction to assist in the delivery, so he asks Addison. She tells him everything's okay, but he can't stop thinking he did something wrong. He obsessively checks on the baby, and you think it's going to end up being something, but then he talks to Violet and we find out it's just his anxiety. Then the baby cries and he goes in and tells the parents it's just hungry. Not exactly an A storyline for Dell, but at least he was in the episode more than Pete.
Charlotte and Violet aren't Cooper's only drama, either, as one of his regular patients comes in with a note from her mom, which states that mom is leaving the precocious little girl there and not coming back. Violet questions the girl and finds out her family life had been great. So Cooper goes to find the parents instead of reporting it to family services. He finds them and they have absolutely no sympathy or care. They are "done" being parents. Which is just ... ridiculous and maddening. But Cooper gets Charlotte to make the surgery she needs happen, so at least little Patty can have that. Then they give her over to children and family services, and it's really sad and annoyingly manipulative.
Finally, we get our A plot, which is Archer's seizures. He has one to open the episode, while he's in bed with Naomi. Despite his wishes, she eventually tells Addison, who wants him to have surgery. He refuses, even after they find out it's parasites in his brain rather than a tumor. Then he has another seizure, which they have to force him into a coma to stop. While he's in the coma, Addison calls Derek. Which leads us to the actual crossover next week. I know, right? You totally thought this week was the crossover, but there wasn't even a little bit of crossover, unless you count phone calls, which I really don't.
We go straight from that Grey's episode ending with Derek's phone call and disappearance to Addison calling him. There aren't previews for next week or commercials or anything. Private Practice starts right up while the Grey's black bar of credits flashes across the bottom of the screen, in fact. That obviously means this is a big, important crossover, right? Well ... don't get your hopes up.
We start in a hospital with a tearful Addison calling Derek, and telling him she needs him. Then a whiteout flashes us back fourteen hours, where we see an orgasmic Naomi laying against a very cool lime green pillowcase. She tells Archer that he brings something out in her. He likes to think it's the best in her, but she suggests it might be the worst. They start kissing, and as he works his way down her body, he stops, and she calls him a tease, then her smile quickly turns to panic when she realizes he's seizing. I don't know how an actor can make this look so real, but Grant Show totally sells it, all red faced and veins popping out on his neck as he moans and writhes. That leads us to our sunny opening.
When we come back, we have another red-faced, groaning person, but this one's a woman having a baby at Oceanside, with the help of Dell and Addison. They wonder where Naomi is, since she hasn't returned their pages. The patient worries about Naomi not being there, but Addison promises she's in good hands. Dell tells Addison the patient is "at plus-2 station." Addison thinks this is good, and I will trust her, since she's the smartest person in the world.
Archer and Naomi argue in his hospital room about his health. He says he's fine, and she thinks that seizure indicates otherwise. He tells her his pulse, blood pressure, and other stats are all completely normal. She says that a healthy person doesn't have a "tonic-clonic" seizure out of the blue. He, as the "bad-ass brain guy" (last week he was calling himself a "good-time guy," and now this? I'm not sure which one makes me hate him more, but I guess I don't have to choose) begs to differ. He talks a bunch of brain gibberish, and then says he's signing himself out against her medical advice, making her his doctor, so now he tells her she has doctor-patient confidentiality and must lie to Addison.