Irina gloats over her victory in the Macy's challenge and everyone ignores hers because she is annoying. People also pretend to miss Louise, but who would miss all the weeping and rending of sackcloth? Well, besides the Lutherans.
Out on the runway, the designers flinch as Heidi announces yet another surprise. The runway is flooded with women in wedding dresses. But these are not nubile young brides-to-be, they are gay divorcees (or almost divorcees) and they want their wedding dresses turned into like athletic wear or something practical. As the winner, Irina gets to choose her model first. When she goes for a women who looks like she is wearing not so much a wedding dress as a wedding cake it becomes apparent that the designers are lusting for fabric and as much as they can get. From Epperson through Althea, the designers select their models based exclusively on square footage of dress. Finally, the last woman standing is left to Shirin and the lady is wearing a glorified doily minus the lace. Shirin is screwed and she makes sure the camera knows it. Adding insult to Shirin's injury, her divorcee is dying for a Cher costume and not in the easy chuck-some-fishnets-at-her-and-wrap-a-ribbon-around her-lady-bits "If I Could Turn Back Time"-way, but in a not ironic "Half Breed" way with maybe some peacock feathers for flair? Shirin quietly packs her bags.
Obviously this challenge hits close to home for Gordana (the house matron) who has been divorced and whose stress at being confronted with a mirror of her own failed relationship and the anxiety of being separated from her children has manifested itself as blackened hands. Like, really. And they don't even try to explain why her hands look like she mounted Everest without gloves.
During the rounds of his look-and-sneer, Tim is worried about Logan's pantsuit, but loves Gordana's mummy inspired mini-dress and gives poor Shirin some much-need moral support (and an even more needed Xanax). He sends in the models for a fitting and it is not that interesting. Especially because the divorcees don't give us the usual T and A show, which always livens up the hour, but now that I think about is probably a good thing in this situation. Not that the ladies weren't lovely; they just weren't models.
On the day of the challenge and half the women are excited, but Christopher's and Shirin's are not so sure. Shirin made a very simple white shift with black stitching, which is a far, far cry from Sacajawea-inspired peacock-accented wear. In other words, it is tasteful. Christopher's dress on the other hand brings to mind the harsh words of the judge's last week: disco shower curtain. Christopher, those weren't compliments!
At judgment ,Nina Garcia is still MIA, but Zanna has grown on me like a fashion-forward hangnail. The divorcees rock it down the runway. Nicholas, Althea, and Carol Hannah are passed on to the next round despite the fact that Nicholas's vest and pantsuit are heinous. Gordana's dress is gorgeous and she gets the compliments she deserves. Christopher's "space bubble dress" is, well, a space bubble dress. Epperson is complimented for his impressive Oktoberfest impersonation. That is not a good thing. Shirin's dress is adored by all (except maybe her model). Logan also finds himself in the bottom with his pants and shirt combo. Irina's taupe lace dress rounds out the top three.
Gordana is named the winner. And she truly deserved the laurels. Her dress is gorgeous. She cheers backstage and Christopher, Logan, and Epperson are left on the runway. In a shocking twist, Christopher is safe. WTF? That dress was like a tinfoil conspiracy hat wrapped with floral tape. Logan and Epperson are left. Both are mocked for their Oktoberfest inspired looks, but Logan is far too cute to send home, so Epperson it is. So, a black man can be elected president, but cannot win Project Runway. I'm starting a petition to bring Ra'mon back!
There are only four boys left in the competition, which could mean that a woman may actually win this season of Project Runway, although it may be a pre-destined victory what with the show's move to Lifetime Television (Motto: er...I need more coffee before I can be clever. I'll come back to that later.) Suffice to say that Lifetime is just all about the ladies, you know? It's pink and they make Nora Roberts books into feature-length films and although I don't know anyone who reads Nora Roberts (in fact, according to my Facebook friends poll the number one favorite author among my friends is Michel Hollebecq, so apparently my friends are Hollebecq girls, which is exactly what Gwen Stefani was singing about) but anyway, my point is apparently some women really like Nora Roberts and unicorns and LeAnn "Adulteress" Rimes and also Project Runway and Lifetime paid good money to prove that point. So a girl totally has to win this season. My logic is impeccable, so don't even try to argue. Besides, Christopher is about to burn out and Nicholas is such a bitch he would count as a woman anyway. HOWEVER proving that the women are not impervious to the judges' dismissal, Carol Hannah bemoans the loss of Louise in the blue challenge last week. HOWEVER, Carol Hannah does this while applying mascara about two centimeters from the mirror doing the whole google eye mascara application thing and the cameraman (or woman!) decides to film the entire quasi-surgical procedure. Like, blink already, girl! For her efforts, Carol Hannah is awarded the standard line in any competitive reality show about how they've gotten to the point in the competition where really talented people are going home and it's hard to watch. Yawn! It's a competition, people have to go home so you can win! The next shot is of a wet-headed Carol Hannah on the floor straddling a full-length mirror (she's fully-dressed so get all those '70s feminist know-your-body mirror party images out of your heads) and she is once again fetishistically applying mascara. She also appears to have her breakfast on the floor with her, like she knows she is going to be there a good long while and brought provisions. Maybe Carol Hannah should talk to her trusted medical professional about Latisse, because in her case, longer lashes might be medically necessary. At least in the sense of medical necessity as "time management aid" because OH MY GOD it's been like twenty minutes of mascara application. Gordana interrupts the make up application to mention that she wants to never miss out on anything, which is why she is here. No regrets, or however you say that in German. Irina sits in her chair smugly sipping her cuppa and arrogantly assuming all the girls hate her because she won two competitions in a row. And, while that may be true, I'm sure Irina has given the girls plenty of other reasons to hate her. Logan tries to explain Irina's logic. He thinks she has a sophisticated look that appeals to the judges and her confidence has been boosted and now she thinks she is better than everybody. Actually, Logan, I think Irina always thought she was better than all of you. In a moment of foreshadowing, Christopher reminds us that he can't be in the bottom three again or he will be forced to go back in his parents' basement in Shakopee, MN and then he will die surrounded by cats and muttering to his mannequins, "It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again!" Oh c'mon, you know it's true!