The show begins proper now. There's the briefest of credits, then the cute girl walking sans introduction before is revealed as Ivy Higa, 30. She says that she thinks that this is The Ivy Show, but she doesn't believe that at all. Instead, what she believes is that if she expends enough shameless energy, she will exploit herself into some sort of Macy's Thanksgiving Day Balloon. Then, she won't have to worry about being an actual person. People will have to worry about her. Like, what if she gets torn on a lamppost and starts careening out of control and killing or neck-injuring dozens? No, Ivy doesn't want to worry about the others. She's going to work desperately and unsuccessfully towards being one of the elite who struggled to get there but ultimately gets to act like they're really annoyed by all of the attention. That said, the stuff that we see from her collection doesn't look bad. A little derivative and Stella and drape-y, but not horrible. She tells us that she's an amazing technician and she's awesome but she also tells us that she's really organized, which isn't so cool and maybe gives her a little bit of soul.

We see this dude, Carlos Casanova, enter the auditions and Tim asks him why he wants to be called "Casanova" instead of his complete name. We don't really hear his answer, instead, we hear the judges grouse about what a stupid name he has. He tells us that he's from Puerto Rico and has done a lot of pageants and shiz. He thinks that this is the next step. Lame. He says this weird shit about eating New York or it eating him, but...maybe it's great, I don't know. All of this has already annoyed me.

Wow, here's this girl, Sarah Trost, who is from Somewhere, California and designs dresses out of the liners of my dad's hats. Plaid, satin shit. Ugly. You are a failure, Sarah. I'm telling you now. And, your hair. Wait, something has happened to me. This first few minutes of Heidi and Tim has turned me on the whole show. That doesn't seem fair to the contestants. I'm going to do my best to be even-handed. Ha! No I'm not. I hate EVERYONE!