My how quickly the competition flies. Just last week Carol Hannah won her first challenge and little Shirin was finally rendered speechless when she was auf'd. Now the show is getting the "final stretch treatment" and all the remaining designers spend the introductory moments of the show discussing how this is, you know, the final stretch. What does the final stretch mean exactly? It means the challenged will explain: How there are only a few designers left, how it is a great honor to have gotten this far, how amazing they are as designers to have beaten out the rest of the pack, and how quiet it is now that Shirin is gone. Nicolas begins the proceedings by explaining that he has ironed his hair because he is into a beatnik revival minus the bongos and also if you iron your hair no one can mock your white man's afro. Okay, I don't know if Nicolas actually has a white man's afro, but I really enjoy thinking that he does. Really just freeze frame and squint your eyes and imagine the possibilities of eternally whining Nicolas rockin' a pick-worthy 'fro. Admit it: it's awesome. Anyway, Nicolas and his boring stringy straight hair are attempting to justify his overwhelming narcissism as all part of the competition. It's me me me, because he is here to win. Also, he once read a coffee mug that said nice guys lose, he believes it, and that settles it. Christopher reminds us that through some mystifying algorithm, "he is one of the top 7 designers in this competition." Despite his lack of fashion training or experience (or taste!) he is still here while nine other designers have gone home. Now a moment of silence for those nine designers who are no doubt watching this soliloquy and scratching their heads in confusion and starting to question their own skills and taste level. Nine designers who because of you, Christopher, by your continued presence on this show, are starting to doubt their own self worth. You, Christopher, your continued existence is causing their self esteem to falter, which will undoubtedly require years of therapy to undo. So, Christopher, don't at all be surprised if, say, Louise (just to choose a depressive's name out of a 50s style hat) shows up on your door in ten years time and begs you to make amends despite the fact that you cost her thousands of dollars of therapy and created potentially a lifelong dependence on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds simply by remaining on the show with your garbage bag and tinfoil creations that look like they belonged in the Glad Family of Products, while she was sent home despite intricate beading and detailed needlework. But don't feel too bad, Christopher, because these nine designers also look at you and the fact that you are still on the show despite your "disco shower curtain" and "cinched up Hefty bag" creations, these designers look at you as a ray of hope. Why? Because looking at you and your work, they know it was not them. It was the competition! A competition that is obviously rigged. Obviously! I mean how else to explain the Christopher? Yes, you, Christopher, you are the evidence to prove the auf'd designers' conspiracy theory of a shadow agenda for the show. It is not that they are lousy designers, because if being a shite designer were actually the reason that people went home, you, Christopher would have been sent home decades ago despite your endearing personality and homespun charm and creepy eyes that follow you everywhere. Nay, this is not a design competition, but a means of forwarding crappy design into homes across the nation and making sure the judges applaud that design no matter how heinous just to reinforce to Americans that no matter how ugly or off-putting or unwearable an item is, if it has a name brand of a major player, a Helmut, a Calvin, a Zac, or Behnaz or Ralph sewn into its tinseled Hefty bag label, it is fashion. And it is great. Phew, that was exhausting! Conspiracy theories are really tiring, especially when they are true.