The contestants are released from their cages and let free in the wilds of Rodeo Drive with the promise of working with a world-famous designer. They are all excited until they realize it is just stupid old Michael Kors. Tim pretends it is all huge and exciting, but doesn't manage it very well. Then Michael makes the designers all look at his vacation slide show and tasks them to design outfits around his amazing super awesome life that they will never have.
Each of the remaining seven contestants gets to choose a destination that is on Michael's usual star-studded itinerary in his "globetrotting and jet set travel." They have $150 and a day to make an outfit to wow the judges. Carol Hannah opts for Palm Beach, Nicolas takes Greece, Althea lands in St. Tropez, Gordana wants the bright lights of New York City, Irina takes Aspen, Christopher pretends he has heard of Santa Fe, and Logan gets stuck with Hollywood.
The designers set to work feverishly trying to figure out what people wear in destinations they have never been to. When Tim shows up more than one designer is struggling to get any outfit together. Gordana has almost nothing to show Tim. Christopher is creating a belted turquoise cliché and Tim has to beg him to strive for sophistication. Logan looks like he is designing for Urban Outfitters and Tim calls Nicolas's shirt "different." And while "different" is sometimes better, that was not what Tim meant.
Out on the runway, the actual judges actually show up. Nice of Michael Kors to take a break from his jet-setting to be with us. The guest judge (for no apparent reason) is model-actress-singer Milla Jovovich. The show starts and Logan is first with his Hollywood inspired look that could have been bought from H&M during his lunch break. Boring! And if boring the judges is a crime, Logan should be out. Althea's St. Tropez outfit consists of shiny gold short shorts and sheer with a white tank underneath. It's nice, if staid. Nicolas stops the show with his autumn mummy look that consists of tight grey pants and a tight-fitting toga top. Er… no. Carol Hannah's Palm Beach floor-length dress is nice and simple with a wacky pattern and a great fit. Christopher's Santa Fe sophisticated is all sorts of wrong with a beige skirt, turquoise top with a white t-shirt. Irina has managed a very chic look that could actually be worn in Aspen. Gordana has come back from the brink to create a sleek Park Avenue look with a simple silver dress and throw that is very urban chic. As to who is getting chucked from the bus, I say it is a toss up between Christopher and Nicolas.
Judgment time: Althea skates by once again and is safe. Everyone else stands and awaits their critique. Irina and Carol Hannah are in the top and so is Gordana. That leaves Nicolas joining perennial losers Logan and Christopher on the bottom. Carol Hannah is in and Irina's '80s fantasy is crowned the winner. Gordana is given a morale boost by Heidi and is safe until the next round. Logan is scolded for being safe and boring and is sent off stage. Christopher and Nicolas anxiously wait and when Christopher is harshly dissed by Heidi you think it is going to be him to go, but no, it is Nicolas. Nicolas looks stunned, especially after last week's near win. Maybe he will take the time to go to Greece and see how many people are wearing pants and mummy tops.
And, Michael Kors? Shut. UP.
My how quickly the competition flies. Just last week Carol Hannah won her first challenge and little Shirin was finally rendered speechless when she was auf'd. Now the show is getting the "final stretch treatment" and all the remaining designers spend the introductory moments of the show discussing how this is, you know, the final stretch. What does the final stretch mean exactly? It means the challenged will explain: How there are only a few designers left, how it is a great honor to have gotten this far, how amazing they are as designers to have beaten out the rest of the pack, and how quiet it is now that Shirin is gone. Nicolas begins the proceedings by explaining that he has ironed his hair because he is into a beatnik revival minus the bongos and also if you iron your hair no one can mock your white man's afro. Okay, I don't know if Nicolas actually has a white man's afro, but I really enjoy thinking that he does. Really just freeze frame and squint your eyes and imagine the possibilities of eternally whining Nicolas rockin' a pick-worthy 'fro. Admit it: it's awesome. Anyway, Nicolas and his boring stringy straight hair are attempting to justify his overwhelming narcissism as all part of the competition. It's me me me, because he is here to win. Also, he once read a coffee mug that said nice guys lose, he believes it, and that settles it. Christopher reminds us that through some mystifying algorithm, "he is one of the top 7 designers in this competition." Despite his lack of fashion training or experience (or taste!) he is still here while nine other designers have gone home. Now a moment of silence for those nine designers who are no doubt watching this soliloquy and scratching their heads in confusion and starting to question their own skills and taste level. Nine designers who because of you, Christopher, by your continued presence on this show, are starting to doubt their own self worth. You, Christopher, your continued existence is causing their self esteem to falter, which will undoubtedly require years of therapy to undo. So, Christopher, don't at all be surprised if, say, Louise (just to choose a depressive's name out of a 50s style hat) shows up on your door in ten years time and begs you to make amends despite the fact that you cost her thousands of dollars of therapy and created potentially a lifelong dependence on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds simply by remaining on the show with your garbage bag and tinfoil creations that look like they belonged in the Glad Family of Products, while she was sent home despite intricate beading and detailed needlework. But don't feel too bad, Christopher, because these nine designers also look at you and the fact that you are still on the show despite your "disco shower curtain" and "cinched up Hefty bag" creations, these designers look at you as a ray of hope. Why? Because looking at you and your work, they know it was not them. It was the competition! A competition that is obviously rigged. Obviously! I mean how else to explain the Christopher? Yes, you, Christopher, you are the evidence to prove the auf'd designers' conspiracy theory of a shadow agenda for the show. It is not that they are lousy designers, because if being a shite designer were actually the reason that people went home, you, Christopher would have been sent home decades ago despite your endearing personality and homespun charm and creepy eyes that follow you everywhere. Nay, this is not a design competition, but a means of forwarding crappy design into homes across the nation and making sure the judges applaud that design no matter how heinous just to reinforce to Americans that no matter how ugly or off-putting or unwearable an item is, if it has a name brand of a major player, a Helmut, a Calvin, a Zac, or Behnaz or Ralph sewn into its tinseled Hefty bag label, it is fashion. And it is great. Phew, that was exhausting! Conspiracy theories are really tiring, especially when they are true.