Project Runway

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Frock You!

Christopher is on Project Runway for one reason and one reason only: to get out of his parents' finished basement. He also wants to make it to Fashion Week. He seems to think he is alone in this dream, and not merely a little salmon swimming upstream with seven other little salmon all equally desperate to survive that steep swim uphill through rocky waters with hungry bears, and dams (hydro-electric, even!) blocking their path as they fight with their last breath to survive and lay their eggs in the rocky waters of Bryant Park. Christopher is self-aware enough to realize that he started strong, but like a rock tied to a deflating balloon he has slowly sunk to the bottom. After last week's saggy tinfoil balloon dress (or as Michael Kors called it "a cinched up metallic Hefty bag"), he knows he has to stand up and go huge! But not too huge to scare the judges. Christopher, I am impressed. Last week you were delusional enough to think that your Jiffy Pop frock was going to win and this week you realize that you frightened the judges. Should I write a thank you not to Merck? Meanwhile Shirin is a dog. Downward facing, that is. After her near-victory last week she is feeling pretty good about herself. Wait... what's that sound? It's the bells tolling her death knell. Whatever, she deserves for so obviously flaunting the rules of good mojo. She didn't knock on wood or anything after saying that. Carol Hannah opines that she's never been in the bottom, so perhaps slow and steady will win the race. I suppose that would make her a tortoise to Christopher's hare.

Over at ye olde arte institute, the designers are arranged in front of the runway waiting for the precious moment when they get to ogle Heidi. Heidi marches onto the runway wearing an outfit obviously inspired by '80s punk. The pants are skintight, low riders in a reptilian-patterned bright red fabric with zippered pockets. She has paired it with a leather studded belt and a black blouse. The pants could have walked off of St. Mark's Place, but, frankly, Heidi could never pass as punk rock. She might be able to kick your ass, but I can't really see her in the center of a mosh pit or bumming a hand-rolled smoke off a guy with ear stretchers and a foot-high mohawk that he keeps erect with Elmer's glue and Dippity Do. Also? No punk wears a "blouse." Heidi gives the designers a hint about their next challenge, but as per usual the clue is more perplexing than useful. Something about outshining and upstaging. She then kicks Nicolas in the head, throws a bottle at Althea, yells "Nevermind the Bollocks!" and crowd surfs off the stage.

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Project Runway

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