Ira "Gefilte Fishy" Glassman picks up his ringing phone. Jim identifies himself, and Ira throws back a snide "Jim who?" Jim tries to apologize for not returning to the office as promised, but Ira rants about understandings and loyalty and what kind of behavior qualifies as insubordinate and what kind qualifies as kosher (and believe me, he'd know). Jim can merely say he's turned up new evidence and that he needs to employ the help of "Leon from Legal." Ira tells him he thinks this is "a lot more serious" than what Leon can handle, and Jim tries to reason that he's "done nothing wrong." But as he vamps on, Myrna hops on the line and tells Ira that Jim is on the line and that he'll connect them. Jim tries to tell Myrna that he's already on the call, but she presses a button that sends him to a Muzak void free of further information. With CPA Schnook still wet in the beak from another round of "Bobbing for Reductive Shylock Clichés," I'm surprised the hold music doesn't kick into "Hava Nagila" and that the scene doesn't end with Ira getting carried off in his chair. Back in Push, Jim listens as a recorded voice tells him his wait time for service is thirty-eight minutes.
Opening credits: The cryptic text where the URL is supposed to be instead reads "Tixiv Ter," and the cryptic text where the executive producer is supposed to be instead reads "Ben Affleck."
A title card reading "Storybook Hero" appears on screen, sucking on the Tic Tac flavors of Orange, Cinnamon, Wint-O-Green, and Spear-O-Hint. Because it's the title. And so it's the hint. Jim is in his cell, sitting with his back to the window through which we can see Pawn watching the ABC morning line-up. Not. Whatever. You've heard my Katie Couric spiel already. The Desolate Electric Guitar Of Perpetually Unengaged Nielsen Boxes rages on the soundtrack, and Sheriff Relaxo enters Jim's cell with a well-dressed, wearing-my-glasses African-American gentlemen who introduces himself as "Jameson Jones, Provo Office." How does Jim know that this guy is his lawyer and the other guy wasn't? Why would he just trust a random stranger at this point when we've learned we're in a place where nothing is as it seems and everyone is watching some other show entirely? Nevertheless, Jim shakes Jameson's hand warmly and confirms the charlatan's story with the mistaken-relief-drenched statement, "Ira Glassman told me you'd be coming." Not Jim's Lawyer kicks things off, still right in front of Sheriff Relaxo: "This is quite an interesting place." Oh, we could quibble over the technical definition of "interesting" all day before we realized just how not it this was. Jim responds in kind with a line I hope I'm never boring enough to say: "You don't know the half of it." Ugh. Why not just shake a Magic 8-Ball of dialogue if you don't have an original thought of your own to contribute? Why not, indeed? Maybe I'll just "ask again later." Not Jim's Lawyer goes on to say that "the legal situation here is a bit muddled." Sheriff Relaxo argues that t'ain't nothing "muddy at all," saying that Jim needs to be tried for his crimes and that's the end of it. Not His Lawyer has other thoughts on the matter, and he rounds on Sheriff Relaxo and explains the concept of due process before telling him he wants some private words with Jim, and "your office will suffice." Sheriff Relaxo lives up to Not His Nickname for a moment, barking back, "Now just hold on a minute" before finishing, "It's right over there." Good one. Nothing I love more than a bit of the old bait-and-zzzzzzzzzzzz.