Meanwhile, back above the pork buns, Emerson is considering a new case. A loud-talking attorney (made so after so many courtroom battles) named Daniel has come to plead for justice in the death of his beloved and only client, the aged Gustav. He believes Gustav's young, leeching wife ruined his life and will ruin his legacy. "I smell a big ol' 'but...' headed in my direction," Emerson says, and he's right. Seems Gustav was also robbed the night he died. "It happens when you have a fortune like his," the lawyer says. Emerson is suddenly interested. "What kind of fortune we talkin' about?" he asks. Lawyer, totes deadpan: "The kind built on your tight balls." COME ON. Emerson's eyebrows hilariously shoot up, but the lawyer was merely referring to the automatic yarn-balling contraption featured in Emerson's office -- said machine was invented by none other than the Gustav in question. You want the facts? Jimmy D tells us that Gustav's mechanized baller (haaa!) not only made it possible for legions of grandmothers to more easily make unwanted gifts (heeee!), it also made him rich. However, before Gustav could make one penny more, someone arranged for his permanent retirement. A burglar broke into his home and fired a gun at the ceiling, causing a chandelier to fall upon the millionaire and kill him.
This leads to my favorite Touched in the Morgue scene in this program's history. There hangs Gustav, in his drawers, still entwined in the chandelier. I am laughing already, before Ned even wakes him, especially when I notice that one of the glass pendants from the fixture is hanging from the old man's distended earlobe like the world's most hilarious earring. Chuck explains that they would like to ask him a few questions, but only have a minute. "I presume I'm dead," he barks in his geezeriest voice. "Let's get down to business. First, the matter of my will." Yes, well, they already know about the will, which Ned tries to interrupt him to say. "Not that will," Gustav snaps. "I have a new will, and you're gonna track it down for me, roger?" Ned stutters out a "roger" while Gustav goes on, saying that Ned will need to go into the mansion's trophy room, and look behind the largest trophy. Emerson can't stand anymore chatter. "Who killed you?!" he blurts. But Gustav, dead or not, don't play like that. "Do you know who I am, Elmer?" he asks and Emerson says he's about to be the only man ever murdered twice. Gustav doesn't care about justice; he cares about his hard-earned money not going where it doesn't belong. He continues to rant about the current generation's failure to appreciate the value of a dollar until Chuck interrupts and repeats the trophy room instructions, indicating that she understands what's important. "Smartest one of the bunch," Gustav smiles, his earring swaying. "I like your moxie, Sassafras." Hee. It's hard to put into words how funny this is, really. Shelley Burns, who plays Gustav, is a classic for a reason. Plus, the word "sassafras" is basically encapsulated comedy at its finest. Anyway, Gustav only cares about his goldigger wife not getting his cash, and when Emerson finally breaks through to ask again who killed him, he shruggingly says "the bellman did it!" before Ned touches him back to death in a shower of chandelier sparks.