Putting such pesky details aside, however, we return to the kitchen. Emerson insists that Ned go with him to the funeral home, where Schatz's body is now in state. "To ask him WHAT?" Ned asks. Seems Emerson wants to know, he says, where Lawrence hid all the goodies he got off the deadies. Ned is disgusted. "So... you...can...return it to the families and...help heal the grieving?" he says. "Yyyyeah," Emerson says. Ned continues to try to get out of it, saying he's too fragile. "Okay," Emerson says, "killer."
But, you know, we're not even halfway through this damn episode, so of course they go to the funeral home. Chuck wants to go, she says, to say thank you to Lawrence Schatz. The next day, the arrive en masse to pay their respects, Chuck wearing a red dress I would pay out the nose for. I'd steal that dress off a dead body!
Before they can even open the coffin, however, Lawrence Schatz walks in! Or, it appears to be him. It's his sweaty twin, wearing a Darling Mermaid Darlings tour tee. "Yeah," he says, when Chuck exclaims over it. "We just buried their niece, Lonely Tourist Charlotte Charles." Chuck, though sad to hear she is still being referred to as the Lonely Tourist, is so happy to see the tour shirt. Except, unfortunately, as Louis the Schatz Twin points out, the tour was recently cancelled due to her aunts' grief relapse. Seems they had almost made it out the door when they received a delayed postcard from Chuck's cruise. It sets them back, even causing Aunt Lily to have to grudgingly adjust her eye patch to pour out the collected tears. Swoosie Kurtz, please come live at my house.
Back in the present, Louis Schatz is going over the circumstances of Lawrence's death, which came, he points out, on the same day as the burial of Charlotte Charles. "It's not often," he adds, "that we bury a celebrity." Emerson can't help rolling his eyes about this, but Chuck is mildly gratified, saying that burying such a celebrity must have been a coup for the funeral home. Louis said it would have been, if not for Lawrence's grave-robbing scandal. As a result of the resulting bad press, he's locked Lawrence's body in a side room so no one can come in and defile the body. "Are you sure he was murdered?" Ned asks, hopefully. Louis is thoughtful. "I've been putting it all together," he says, "and boy, do I have a tale to tell."
Jim Dale presents the facts, as Louis sees them: when word of the grave-robbing scandal got out, hate mail began arriving in bulk. According to Louis, Lawrence confessed his crime to his brother, but did not reveal where he buried the stolen goods. That secret, JD tells us, Lawrence took to his grave. However, when Lawrence died and the angry relatives of the dead began raging on his doorstep, Louis began to wonder about all that threatening hate mail. What if one of those hundreds of people who said they'd kill Lawrence actually did it? So, he hired Emerson to investigate the possible murder of his brother and thus, the possible future murder of himself. Did they ever feel, Louis asks the team as they stand over his brother's casket, like they could drop dead at any second, because of something somebody else did? Uh...yeah. Emerson identifies so strongly, he says he could easily smoke a brotherly cigar with Louis. The living Schatz, not getting it, says Lawrence was the one who smoked, not him, and pulls a burial cigar out of his dead brother's breast pocket. Isn't it funny how we treat the dead? I mean, not funny ha-ha. No. When my grandfather died, we sent him off with an Alabama football program and a box of toothpicks in his casket. And my beloved father, who had always expressed his wish to be cremated? Well, he never said what he'd like done with his ashes, and none of us could bear the idea of letting him go, so...he's in a box in my mother's storage room. Every year, on the anniversary of his death (October 23, as a matter of fact, may the day live in infamy), she calls me to say, "Al, maybe your daddy wants to come out of the closet." Maybe he does, yeah. I can't do it, though.