Queer as Folk U.K.
Constant Craving

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Della Femina: D | Grade It Now!
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Constant Craving

"Why's it gotta be me?" Stuart is asking Sandra, as they walk through the office together. "He's got a wife and three kids, one of them at Oxford, so no shock tactics. Just dinner, a few brandies and get him to sign," Sandra tells him sternly as they approach a fat, middle-aged man called Martin Brooks. "Martin," Stuart greets him, his voice cracking in the most comical way, though I don't think it was intentional. I'm just easily amused. Martin tells Stuart that he's heard a lot about him. "All of it lies," Stuart says. Stop him if you've heard this one before, because I know I have. Stuart's mobile phone rings, and he turns away to take the call. "So...we're talking, now?" he asks. "Shut yer face," Vince says. (I second that, in case it warrants mentioning.) "Complete emergency. I've been asked out. On a date!" We then cut to a shot of Stuart and Vince in Stuart's Jeep, pulled over in what appears to be the median of the motorway. Stuart is turning Cameron's business card over in his hand and asks Vince if he looks good. "Well, like he used to be nice -- when he was young. He's, what, at least thirty-six. And he's an accountant, so he's probably going to sell me a pension. Phil's dead, so he's got to get up on his books," Vince quips. Stuart laughs and tells him he should seduce Cameron over the portfolios. "Other things I could be doing," Vince says, "like throwing that kid out of my mother's house." Stuart giggles. "Thought you might apologize," Vince tells him, reiterating just how stupid he can be. "Day like that," says Stuart, referring to the day of Phil's funeral, "you need a shag at the end of it." "Trouble is, he's waiting for the next shag. So he's gonna stop [stay] at Hazel's till he gets it," Vince says with annoyance. "Why does it bother you?" Stuart asks. "'Cos every time I go round to Hazel's, there he is. She's cooking him tea [dinner]! Same old story. It's like that Alan Lucas; he falls in love with you and ends up locking himself in my bathroom -- bolts the door and everything! Said he wouldn't shift till you came round. He was in there three hours. He was eating toothpaste. I couldn't use my own toilet. I had to piss in the sink! That's what happens because of you. Pissing in my own sink..." Vince is cut off by Stuart, who -- in keeping with his habit of completely ignoring anything negative said about him, ever -- has called Cameron from his cell phone. "Yes, I've got Mr. Tyler here for you," he says officially, grinning at Vince. "Putting you through." Vince doesn't want to take the phone, but eventually does. Cameron asks him if that was his secretary. "No, he's a trainee. A bit useless," Vince answers emphatically. Cameron asks Vince out to dinner again, and Vince says that he's sort of busy, but that he'll give Cameron a call sometime. Cameron persists, and Vince eventually says, "All right, then. Okay," and hangs up, telling Stuart that he's having dinner with Cameron in a few hours. "Yes!" Stuart exclaims, honking the horn. He jumps on top of the driver's seat and stands up through the sunroof. "He's got a date!" he calls out to the passing cars. "I've got a pension," Vince replies. "Y'bastard."

Back at work, Stuart is telling Martin Brooks that Sandra could get them tickets to a concert, but Martin has other ideas, saying he thought it would be more fun if they could go to "[Stuart's] sort of place." "My kind of place?" Stuart asks. "Your sort of place," Martin repeats. "Jesus Christ, is there no one straight left in the world?" Stuart cries out, laughing as they walk away from the office.

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Queer as Folk U.K.

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