With Cameron away from the table for a loo break, Vince has -- of course -- called Stuart. "Nightmare," he says to Stu. "He says he's thirty-six, the liar. I'm sitting here with an old man. It's like the auditions for Cocoon 3." Hee! Nathan comes up behind Stuart and tells him to say hello to Vince for him. "Uh, some twat says hello," Stuart says. Hmm, I need to go through my QaF DVDs and see if every episode features at least two uses of the word "twat." I'll let you know. Vince tells Stuart to keep an eye on Nathan, because Janice "had a real go at [him]" that afternoon. She didn't, actually, but anyway. "Never mind him," Stuart responds. "Think about yourself for once." Not that this bit of advice would be of more use when it comes to Vince's dealings with Stuart or anything, right? Cameron comes back to the table and Vince shuts his phone. He then reconsiders, and asks Cameron if he minds if he makes a phone call, because there's this boy and nobody's keeping an eye on him. Cameron looks a little annoyed, but tells him to go ahead. Vince rings Stuart back and reiterates what he said earlier about Nathan, imploring him to look after the boy, but Stuart's call waiting beeps and he has to put Vince on hold. It's Marie, pissed off at him for not showing up to babysit. "Ben's been crying his eyes out; that's all he needs -- another man to abandon him," she fumes. Stuart protests that he did phone, and left a message telling her that it's a work emergency. "You're in a bar! I can hear it!" Marie shouts. "How many dates do you think I get, anyway? A mother with two kids." Stuart's call waiting beeps again, and he puts her on hold. It's Sandra this time, saying that Martin Brooks's wife is on the phone, searching for him because their roof's fallen in or something. "I'm not here," Martin says, when Stuart tells him his wife's looking for him. "He's not here," Stuart lies. Vince, still on hold, looks apologetically at Cameron and explains that Stuart had another call. Cameron asks him to put the phone down, just for a minute, and Vince reluctantly agrees. No sooner has he hung up than it rings again, and Vince apologizes to Cameron before answering it. It's Marie, demanding that Vince let her talk to Stuart, and Vince tells her that he's not with Stuart. "You're always with him!" she exclaims, not believing him, and tells him how Stuart's made her miss her date. Then Vince's call waiting goes, and it's Sandra, also demanding that Vince put Stuart on the phone. "I know full well he's taken Martin Brooks to some godforsaken dive," she says angrily. "I'm not with Stuart," Vince repeats. "His wife's going mental!" Sandra cries. "Whose wife?" asks Vince. "Martin Brooks's!" Sandra shouts. "Who the hell is Martin Brooks?" Vince wonders, just as his call waiting beeps again. It's Stuart, complaining that Vince hung up on him. "Are you with Martin Brooks?" Vince asks. Stuart is incredulous. "How do you know Martin Brooks?" "I've got Sandra chasing Martin Brooks," Vince informs him. "I've never heard of Martin Brooks," Stuart tells Vince, who clicks back to Marie, saying, "He's not with Martin Brooks." "Who the hell is Martin Brooks?" Marie asks, clearly irritated -- as is Cameron, who's sitting there steaming like a Christmas pudding. Vince apologises to Marie and clicks over to Sandra, telling her that Stuart isn't with Martin Brooks. "He is with Martin Brooks, and his roof has fallen in!" "Whose roof's fallen in?" asks Vince. "MARTIN BROOKS'S!" Sandra yells at him. Vince, totally confused at this point, clicks back to Marie and asks, "Is your date with Martin Brooks?" "Who the FUCK is Martin Brooks?" she shouts. "I don't know, but he's got a wife and a dodgy roof," Vince tells her. "Wait a minute, I know a Martin Brooks," Cameron says, taking the phone from Vince's hands. He then walks outside and throws the phone in the canal. "Oi! That's my phone!" Vince cries. Cameron turns him around and lays a huge kiss on him. "Call me," he says, walking away. "What with?" asks Vince, very justifiably pissed off. I think his behaviour was rude, but I'd have a hard time letting someone walk away without a bloody nose if they threw my mobile into the canal. Then again, I'd have a hard time letting someone walk away without a bloody nose if they walked in front of the television while Eastenders is on, so maybe it's just me.
Vince later joins Stuart and Martin at the bar, muttering something about "bastard accountants." No sooner has he approached their table than Stuart pounces on him, saying, "Sweetheart, I missed you," and giving him a snog. "I'm stocking up on this aftershave," Vince remarks, giving Martin a surprised look. At another table, Dazz is sitting with Donna and Nathan. He points to Stuart and asks Nathan if he's really had him. After Nathan confirms that he has, Dazz informs him that that's the last he'll ever see of Stuart, because that type of guy will chase you to the ends of the earth, take you out to dinner and then, after they've had their shag, won't even look at you. Someone give Dazz an "Amen." Not that I'd know, of course. Nathan, looking quite smug, says, "Yeah, well, I've had him twice." Donna smiles and comments, "He never bought you dinner." Dazz asks Nathan if he really likes Stuart, and Nathan tries very hard to act casual. "Like he's not completely in love!" Donna exclaims. Dazz tells Nathan, "Stuart's getting older, and he knows it. At your age, you can make him beg." Nathan, from the looks of the smile that spreads across his face, quite likes that idea. Stuart, meanwhile, walks Martin over to some dodgy-looking guy with a moustache and leaves him there, returning to the table, where Vince is being eyed up by a bloke in a shirt that almost matches the fluorescent green one Phil wore in episode three in the ugliness stakes. "Waste of time," Vince says to Stuart ruefully. "He didn't even like me." "He must've liked you," Stuart replies. "No shag. He's gay; we go out on a date. Where's the shag? I don't give a toss," he says, telling Stuart that he's going to talk to the guy who's been giving him the eye. "He asked you out. He kissed you," Stuart says. "And then he went home. It's unnatural!" Vince exclaims incredulously. "Is it so hard to believe that someone fancies you?" Stuart asks. "I don't care. I'm shaggin', I am," Vince says with determination, walking over to the guy with an unfortunate sense of what looks good. Stuart looks thoughtful -- for what I can officially declare the first time ever -- and takes in the scene around him: Vince whispering in the ear of another man, Nathan and his young friends laughing uproariously a few tables over. Looking pensive, and then fed-up, Stuart puts his glass down and leaves.