Over at Chez Maloney, Nathan is sitting in his room, drawing in the notebook with 'STUART' written in big, red block letters and little sketches of Stuart's face all over the pages, listening to Placebo (You Don't Care About Us -- oh, the drama). His mother, Janice, knocks on the door, but Nathan doesn't hear her, so she turns down the stereo, prompting Nathan to whip around so violently that the resulting wind throws his mother against the door, while he not-very-smoothly attempts to conceal the contents of his notebook. Janice tells him that she's going to the cash-and-carry and wondered if he'd like to come along. "Like, I'd rather die," Nathan replies, the requisite amount of teen angst and fury in his voice. Say it with me again, now, people: "Oh, the drama." But when Janice offers to let him drive, he beats a fast path to the car. His mother tells him that if they get stopped by the police, he should just say that she's a diabetic and he's taking her home. As Nathan drives, his mother starts babbling on about her first car, and her first boyfriend, failing miserably at making a dovetailing segue into the subject of Nathan's sexuality. Speaking of the boyfriend, she says, "He works at the Midland nowNathandoyouhaveaboyfriend?" Just like that, all rapidomente and shit. Nathan says he doesn't, and is clearly angry that the subject has been broached. Janice tells him that she doesn't mind if he does have a boyfriend, and that she's only worried because he's fifteen and she has no idea where he is at night, since he's not at home and he's not at Donna's, and she has no idea what he's doing. "I'm not doing anything!" Nathan shouts. "It's not about being gay," Janice says, telling him that she really doesn't mind. "I'm not!" he yells. "So who's Stuart?" she asks him. Nathan, being the thoughtless, selfish little prick that he is -- hey, he's learned from the best, no? -- gets out of the driver's seat while the car is still in gear and takes off running down the road. See, Stuart's pretty bad, but he hasn't tried to kill someone in an automobile accident…yet. Nathan flees to Donna's house, where she leans out of a second story window and tells him his life is like a novel. She advises him to tell his mother all about Stuart, because she obviously already knows he exists, and that he really doesn't have any other choice. "I can do what I want," Nathan shouts, backing down the sidewalk. "I'm Mozart! I'm fucking Mozart!" Yes, Nathan, and I'm fucking Mrs. Walter Mitty, but we all have to get over ourselves sometime.
As Vince pores over Phil's collection of porn videos, Stuart comes downstairs with a huge pile of magazines and tells Vince soberly that he found dirty pictures of children. "Some of them are babies. It's disgusting," Stuart says, spitting out the words. "Ha ha," Vince replies, and Stuart collapses with laughter. Because paedophilia jokes are a hoot. But anyway, Stuart gets all serious and tells Vince that there is something he needs to say to him, and that he shouldn't take it the wrong way. Phil, he says, had about three dozen photographs of Vince all over his room. Vince has a look of half-disbelief, half-flattery on his face, and finally says, "He hasn't." Stuart holds his straight face for a moment and then breaks into a smile. "Of course he bloody hasn't, you twat!" Vince is visibly irritated, and tells Stuart to piss off. "As a matter of fact, I'm dead good-looking. I was told," he says, referring to Cameron's lame-ass line from earlier in the day. Stuart puts his hand on Vince's shoulder and says quietly, "Well, you are." Vince, looking startled, is silent for a while before responding. "Oh." Stuart gets up and suggests they get going, walking down the hall as Vince looks after him, still bewildered. Later, entering Romey and Lisa's house, Stuart hands Romey a video. "Presents from Phil. There you go, Power Tool One -- see what you're missing." In the front room, Stuart holds baby Alfred and sticks his pinkie finger in the baby's mouth to calm him. "It was great," he says of the funeral. "Good buffet." Romey hands him a cup of tea and tells him that he's allowed to be sad. "I won't tell anyone," she whispers conspiratorially. Stuart, whose favourite song actually is De La Soul's Me, Myself and I, launches into a diatribe against Phil for being a "bastard" and dying, as Stuart doesn't need reminding that he's seventeen weeks away from his thirtieth birthday. "I'm dying in front of everyone," he says. Oh, Stuart, how do you know my most naughty fantasies? "How old was that student you had on Monday?" Romey asks him. Stuart tells her that he was twenty-one. "You're as young as who you feel," Romey says with a grin. Vince, slumped in a chair and looking miserable, laments his Monday night experience. "What happened to me? Fighting off that bloke with the leg. Another shit night. We're getting older and there's nothing to stop us, so we don't. We never bloody stop," he says, disgusted with himself and with Stuart, who says that he plans to be walking down Canal Street when he's sixty, knocking back Viagra. "I'll be there, chasing after you," Vince tells him. Yes, I think I will put my money on that one, guv. "Pathetic," he says disdainfully. "I think it's brilliant," Stuart shoots back. "I wanna die shagging." Vince winces. "Yeah, Phil did that."
Nathan, scouring the pubs and bars of Canal Street in search of its patron sinner, spots Donna and his mother looking for him frantically. He bolts and runs as fast as his little legs can carry him to Babylon. The bloke at the desk tells him that they don't open till 10PM, and Nathan says that he just wants to renew his membership. When the guy scans his card -- which is actually Bernard's -- Nathan reaches over and turns the computer monitor so that he can read Bernard's address, then legs it out of the club. Hazel and Bernard pull up to the house, just getting home from Phil's funeral, and Nathan is already sitting on the stoop. "Aye, aye, Bernard -- one of yours," Hazel chides. Vince, putting Alfred into the back of the Jeep, answers a call on his cell phone. "Who did? He's done WHAT?" he roars, shooting a scornful look at Stuart. "What?" Stuart asks innocently. They drive to Hazel's, where Vince gets out of the Jeep and stares hatefully at Stuart, who remains seated, staring into space. Vince picks up the baby carrier and Stuart finally follows him into the house. "How the FUCK did she know my name?!" he demands of Nathan, who blames Donna. "Nathan, you have made a big mistake," Stuart says quite seriously. "You've actually imagined that I give a shit." Hee! Nathan getting yelled at = good, even if it is by someone who's equally deserving of a telling-off. I'll take what I can get, here. Anyway, Vince is sitting in a chair, holding Alfred and looking very pissed off. Stuart tells Nathan to go back to his "schoolboy life" and leave everyone else alone. Nathan looks to Hazel and Bernard and tells them that he can't go home because his mum told his dad that he's gay, and was furious. "He called me 'poof' and threw me out! He'll hit me if I go back!" Bernard says that no, his dad won't hit him, because he (Bernard) will take it upon himself to sort him out, and report him to the police if necessary. He asks Nathan where he lives, and Nathan refuses to tell him. "What's his surname?" Bernard asks Hazel. "Maloney," answers Vince. "Right, I'll call every Maloney in the book till I find him," Bernard threatens. Nathan, not being the most seasoned liar, cries out, "It wasn't me dad! It was these boys. It was these boys at school, they said they'd kill me. I can't go back or they'll kill me!" Join with me in the all-too-familiar refrain: "Oh, the drama." Vince laughs derisively and remarks, "You can't believe a word he says." Nathan asks Stuart if he can stay with him. Wow, I totally expected Stuart to welcome him with open arms, didn't you? Needless to say, he tells Nathan that no, he can't stay with him. Nathan responds by threatening to run away to London. "I don't care, I'll be a rentboy and I'll be murdered!" he shouts. Hazel laughs