Queer as Folk U.K.
It Happened One Night

Episode Report Card
Della Femina: D | 1 USERS: D
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It Happened One Night

Vince and Jonathan are sitting, with Vince looking down while Jonathan stares at him intently, when Jonathan suddenly grabs Vince and kisses him. He then laughs nervously and says he has to pee, and retreats to the loo. Vince uses this opportunity to -- what else? -- phone Stuart. As he talks into Stuart's answerphone about this nice guy who works for the BBC and has actually met Ruby Wax, Stuart is writhing around on his bed with the two men from the club. Stuart, not being one to let such a Kodak moment go unrecorded, has a video camera set up to capture the orgy on film. In other news, no one in the audience is very shocked, including your intrepid recapper. In fact, I think the only thing that could surprise me at this point would be if Ricky Martin emerged from the closet, bent over in front of Stuart and begging to be buggered. Even then, it would only warrant a raised eyebrow.

Back at the Dolphin Hotel, Spike is playing with his (pet) snake and telling his captive audience of Alexander and Dane about his job as an undertaker. Specifically, he's telling them about how dead people's eyes always spring open, but since the family obviously would be disturbed by such a sight, the corpses must be fitted with contact lenses which have spikes on the end, in order to keep their eyes closed. Yum. "Right," he says, getting up. "I'll wash me knob." As he closes the bathroom door, Dane says to Alexander, "He's [Britain's most prolific sexual torturer and serial killer] Fred West!"

Speaking of sexual torture, Jonathan -- nasty moustache and all -- is on top of Vince and kissing him passionately. Vince tries to pull Jonathan's leather(ette) trousers down, but is repeatedly rebuffed. Finally, Jonathan tells Vince that he needs to warn him. He explains that, if Vince should ever find himself in Brazil, he would be best advised to sit on a towel, because there are parasites on the beaches that live in the sand and burrow themselves into you. "I mean, you can kill them with this ointment," he says, "but it takes a while." Vince, being less astute than the viewer, still doesn't get it. "So...?" he asks. "So I've got Brazilian beach parasites living in my arse," Jonathan confesses. Talk about killing the mood. After a moment's silence, Jonathan wonders aloud if he should call a taxi.

While Spike does what we can only assume is pre-operative sanitation in the bathroom, Alexander and Dane are trying to pry open all of the windows and desperately searching for an escape route, despite the fact that they're two floors up from the ground. Jeez, who would have guessed that going home with a complete stranger called Spike -- an undertaker with a piercing in every part of his body -- would be less than a good idea? You can't blame the poor lads, surely. Spike emerges from the bathroom and tells the boys, "Let's get on with it. I'm burying a bride and groom at ten." Dane says that he needs to use the bathroom, and Spike advises him to hurry up. Once in the loo, Dane opens up the window and crawls outside. In the front room, Spike is standing before a kneeling Alexander and unzipping his trousers. Alexander spots Dane outside the window, shimmying his way across the building. Dane is trying to tell Alexander to go through the bathroom window, but Alexander's attention is captured by Spike's crotch. He does a double take, then grabs Spike by the arse and pulls him toward his face. Dane promptly loses his grip and falls two floors to the ground below him. It's about time somebody on this show got physically injured; I only wish it was someone who really got on my nerves.

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Queer as Folk U.K.

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