Later, Stuart is playing around on #gaymanchester on IRC when the phone rings. "What?" he says, irritated. "What do you want? Fuck off!" He pauses, then an interested look comes to his face. "What for?" Cut to Stuart and Lisa walking through a park, Lisa pushing Alfred in his stroller. "Don't pretend you're not bothered. The moment she marries him, your child will have a new father," Lisa tells him. "I'm much more interested in why it bothers you," Stuart replies. Well, nice to know he's still got those priorities in check. Lisa explains that Lance has moved his things into their bedroom, "just in case," and that Romey has put his name on the deeds to the house "just in case," as well. "I've been living there six years, paying half the mortgage, with nothing in writing," she complains. "And you the solicitor," Stuart smirks, savouring the moment. "If Romey and I split up, I get nothing," Lisa says seriously. "Ah, I thought this was a love story. It's just a mortgage," Stuart remarks, smiling. "I'm simplifying for my audience," Lisa answers back. Hee. "She's only doing the right thing. She always does the right thing. She's saving a man from being deported. She's so bloody correct. So it's down to us to stop her," she says.
They sit on a bench, Lisa holding a pack of letters in her lap -- love letters from Romey, written from the beginning of their relationship up to the present time. "Lesbian letters. Can I read them?" Stuart asks with a grin. "I doubt it; it's joined-up handwriting," Lisa replies dryly. Just insert "Hee!" after everything Lisa says, because she's endlessly amusing, and the chemistry with Stuart makes it even better. Too bad (SPOILER WARNING!) they never end up in bed together. Lisa explains that the letters will make it clear to the Home Office that the marriage is a scam; that way, Lance gets deported, Stuart doesn't have to worry about Alfred being taken from him, and Lisa can have her Romey back. Stuart questions why he's the one who has to send them. "These could only have come from inside the house," Lisa says. "You send them!" replies Stuart. "You're in and out of that house all the time. And, of course, you're a malicious bastard." Of course. Lisa spells out for Stuart that they can't send them anonymously, as someone's got to take the blame, and Romey is never going to forgive the culprit, but Romey's got a very good solicitor (i.e. Lisa) to remind her she can't deny a father access to his child. "So it all becomes my fault?" Stuart asks, clearly not pleased with the idea. Lisa looks at him evenly and says, "I look after your kid every day; every night he's screaming the place down. You owe me." Stuart just sits there, looking torn and -- if I can mention it -- very fucking fine. He's suddenly tan and looks like he's got more Crisco in his hair than Elvis used to put on his fried peanut-butter-and-bacon sandwiches, but he's still quite edible.