"Oh my God! Oh! My! God! OhmyGod!" Nah, this episode doesn't open in Stuart's bedroom. (Fooled you, didn't I?) Instead, we open on the elevator in Stuart's building -- which, let's face it, is wasted by never being used for any Fatal Attraction-esque sex scenes -- from which Vince and Cameron are emerging. Vince is practicing his trademark shocked response because Cameron's gone and ruined the secret of the surprise party that Stuart's planned for his birthday. Stee-ryke five kajillion against Cameron on della femina's scorecard, for those of you still keeping count. He's also complaining that the party is being held at Stu's flat instead of his house. (I'd offer him cheese with his whine, but we all know from episode six how befuddled Cameron gets when offered cheese.)
Cameron and Vince knock at Stuart's door, and he sticks his head out halfway and growls, "What d'you want?" Cameron says they were just passing and thought they'd pick up some CDs they'd left there, and Stuart replies with a hilariously barked, "You can't stay long -- I'm busy!" Opening the door to the flat and walking in, Vince and Cameron are greeted by everyone they know (and in Stuart's case, we're talking the Biblical sense of "knowing" someone) and a huge, open space filled with balloons, streamers, Warhol-style prints of Vince's face, and even life-size cutouts of the birthday boy. It's like the shrine Vince always dreamed of, except it's in honour of him, not Stuart. I suspect the word Alanis Morrissette would use here is "irony," but I think we all know better than that. Stuart, knowing Vince better than he knows anyone (this time we're not talking in the Biblical sense), can tell that his reaction was one hundred percent fake, and asks Cameron if he told Vince about the party. Cameron denies it, saying that Vince isn't stupid. Um, veto? Thanks. At the other end of the room, there's a whole DJ set-up, complete with turntables, flashing lights, and Alexander on the microphone. "Bit of hush, you lot, bit of hush!" he urges. "Thank you. My name's Christine Cagney, and I'm an alcoholic." Hee! I'm so going to steal that the next time I do karaoke. As everyone starts dancing to disco music, Vince says a simple thanks to Stuart. "Thirty. You cunt," Stuart replies coolly. Breaking into a smile, he opens his arms and hugs Vince, then remarks, "Thirty years old! How did that happen? How did that happen?" I'm thinking that Vince's life of celibacy has gotten him this far, but it's anyone's guess how Stuart's nearly made such a milestone. Throughout all of this chitchat and dancing, we're very aware of Cameron and his little life of exile from Stuart 'n' Vince World. We're also aware -- well, I am, anyway -- that we don't feel very sorry for him.