Remember how, in the last episode of the first series of Queer as Folk, Stuart came on to that guy at the art gallery, not realizing it was someone he'd already been with in the past? And remember how he invited the guy back to his place, and the guy was like, "Mariner's Court, right?" and Stuart was all freaked out that the guy knew his address? Well, I guess that embarrassing interlude was enough to motivate him to move, because the opening scene of Queer as Folk Season Two finds Stuart, Vince, and an attractive guy with a shaved head (rowr) walking through the door of Stuart's new flat, which is much more huge and modern and -- one would guess -- expensive than his old one, which wasn't exactly a cardboard box on the side of the motorway. "Must be nice, living on Canal Street," the bald guy comments. Oh, so it wasn't the incident with the guy at the art gallery that made Stuart move, after all; he just needed to be closer to the action. After the number of guys he got through in the first series, you'd think Canal Street would come to him. The bald guy says that he's seen Stuart and Vince around a lot, and asks if they're a couple. Vince explains that they go back years and were at school together. "So is this what you do, then? Threesomes?" queries the bald guy. "First time," Vince responds. "At your age?" says bald guy. Vince was asking for that. "First time together," he answers. The bald guy tells them that if they want to shag, he doesn't want to be just an "extra cock." Hmm, is there such a thing as an "extra" cock? Wait -- forget I asked that. Vince, visibly nervous, says, "Thing is, [Stuart] gets his kit off, I'm just going to be laughing." Stuart walks across the room towards the bald guy and says, "That's good sex." It is? Er, okay. Stuart starts snogging the bald guy while Vince looks terribly embarrassed and unsure of what to do. He then kisses the bald guy while watching Stuart's reaction. The bald guy puts his hand on Vince's crotch while they're kissing and remarks that there's "not much going on down there." Vince blushes and says nervously, "Give it time." Well, the passage of time could result in an erection, I suppose, but I'm sure there are other things which would do the job a lot more quickly. Or so I've heard. The bald guy sits on the couch and is immediately pounced upon by Stuart, who hovers over him and snogs his face off. Vince sits next to the bald guy, who puts his hand on Vince's thigh. Vince has no idea what to do, so he just pats the guy's hand gingerly. Yes, pats his hand, people. Sigh. Looking for an escape, Vince spots Stuart's mobile on the coffee table and hits the digit that automatically dials his own phone. When it rings, he answers and does the requisite fake, "Oh. My. GOD!" before making his way to the door with a story about his neighbours being burgled. Stuart realizes what he's done, picks up his mobile off the table and puts it to his ear, saying, "Fuck off, then," and going back to snogging the bald guy without wasting another second on Vince, who's still standing at the door looking embarrassed. I'm almost embarrassed for him, but there's really no good excuse when you're being offered a threesome with two hot guys and the most daring move you can make is to pat somebody's hand. Vince has been hanging around with Stuart for sixteen years and that's the best he can do?
Cut to Hazel, dressed head-to-toe in leather on a motorbike. She pulls up to an establishment called Nero's Sauna, goes inside, and heads straight for one of the interior saunas. When she opens the door, three startled males jump up from their tangled mass; one of them -- surprise, surprise -- is Stuart. "Stuart Alan Jones -- you have a wank, I'll get the coffee," Hazel tells him. When Stuart joins her in the sauna's café, she holds up two wedding invitations. One is for Hazel and her guest, the other for Vince and his guest. Vince's half-sister is getting married, and he doesn't have anyone to take, so Hazel's asking Stuart on his behalf. Is it just me, or has Vince's SBQ (Sad Bastard Quotient) risen exponentially since the last series? First he runs for the hills before the threesome even gets underway, and now his mother's asking guys out on dates for him. If he were in high school, he'd be taking his brother to the prom. Anyway, Stuart says there's no chance he's going to go to the wedding with Vince. Hazel assures him that there will be loads of people there, and they won't look like a couple, if that's what he's worried about. I like how she felt the need to use the word "if." Stuart just grins, and Hazel suddenly announces, "They found Nathan." His smile growing more broad, Stuart asks, "Nathan who?" Then Hazel, seemingly unable to stick to one subject for more than a nanosecond, asks him about the fact that he and Vince left the club the night before with a third guy. "So?" Stuart responds. "Do us all a favour," Hazel tells him. "Cut out the middle man." Do us a favour, Hazel, and lay off the self-tanning lotion, because I'm sure you didn't get that orange glow from the blazing hot sun of Manchester. I mean, I love you and won't hear a word said against your personality or even your parenting skills, as I'm sure that Vince is a freak of nature and that his Doctor Who obsession and perpetual lameness have nothing at all to do with the way he was raised, but...Ixnay on the Unsay Edbay.