Dave's. Mike's reading comic books in bed when David walks into the bedroom wearing nothing but an apron. He's carrying a wok in one hand and a bottle of wine in the other, and grins, "I whipped you up a little snack." Mike snorts, good-naturedly, "A little snack is a handful of Cap'n Crunch." David says he was all out of Captain Crunch, so he threw some penne and sun-dried tomatoes together, instead. I think a little Cap'n Crunch would do Dr. Uptight a little good, don't you? Although the white wine cream sauce does sound good. Mike burns his tongue on it. David leans in to cool it off for him. Mike's cell rings, and David groans, "That better not be who I think it is." So, Mike can't even talk to Brian now? Anyway, it's Ted. Ted asks whether he's disturbing them, and Mike shrugs it off, while slowly undoing David's apron strings. Which come to think of it, is about as subtle a metaphor as we've seen to date. Ted says he's watching a porno (will wonders never cease, huh?) and that it's pretty bad: "These two guys are fucking, and eating pasta at the same time, like anyone would do that, right?" Sigh. Ted continues that Brian just called him, and Ted thinks Brian's "freaking out." Mike asks what Ted means. Ted elaborates that Brian asked Ted, as an accountant, how long he could go without a job. Ted told Brian that, the way he spends, about two months. And then he thanked Ted -- wait for it -- "for being such a wonderful and compassionate friend." Mike gasps, "Oh my God, he is freaking out!" Mike says that he'll call Ted later. Ted goes back to the porno, getting a few Kleenex in anticipation. Mike tells David that he has to call Brian, but David takes the phone out of his hand. Mike tries to explain that Brian's in trouble, and David, "We're not going to have a relationship like [The Lesbian Formerly Known As Melanie] and Lindsay." Oh, shut up! Mike tries to play it off, saying that of course they aren't, because they're not lesbians. David explains what he meant: "There's only room in this house -- our house, our bed, our life -- for you and me. Not you and me and Brian." What an ass. Does this mean you're going to give up your snotty friends, too? Not likely. Mike mumbles that he understands. David makes Mike promise that he won't get involved in Brian's problems: "He's made his bed. He can get sued in it." Mike just pouts on the bed.
Speaking of people off my Christmas list, Brian and TLFKAM are having lunch. TLFKAM snorts, "Let me get this straight: you fuck up my life, you destroy my relationship, and now you have the breathtaking gall to ask me to represent you?" Just as long as we're all taking responsibility for our own actions, here. Clarification: Lindsay let Brian have his way; you fucked around on her. Took two to tango out of that gig, baby, and neither was Brian. Brian shrugs and says, yeah, that's totally what he expects: "And I'll pay, too." TLFKAM tells him to keep his money, because he's going to need it. Okay, if she's not planning to listen to him, then why is she having lunch with him? And, good grief, how did he convince her to have lunch with him in the first place? Brian -- knowing just where all the soft spots are -- drawls, "Fine. Homophobic Corporate America wins again." TLFKAM snaps, "Oh, please! You could hang a sign on your door that says, 'Blow Jobs -- Ten Cents,' and you'd still have it better than any woman or person of color because you're a white man. Which still counts for something in this country." Brian looks skeptical. He shouldn't. TLFKAM asks Brian for his version of the story. Brian shrugs, "He wanted it. I gave it him." TLFKAM chuckles, "Just how I wanted it: short but sweet." Brian frowns, "It wasn't that short." Get over yourself, there, cupcake. TLFKAM asks where it happened; Brian tells her they went at it once in his office, and again in his loft. TLFKAM nods, "So, he couldn't have minded too much if he came back for more." Brian tells her that Kip asked for Brian's help in getting a promotion, and Brian told Kip that he wasn't ready for the position. TLFKAM asks how Kip took it, and Brian raises an eyebrow: "How do you think? He felt, because we're both gay, and we'd fucked, that somehow he was entitled to a free ride. I didn't agree." TLFKAM asks Brian how many tricks he has a month; Brian says that it's somewhere between twenty and thirty, which means, dude, he's not even taking the Sabbath off most of the time. TLFKAM shakes her head: "Jesus, what a life." Brian hotly asks what that has to do with anything, anyway, and TLFKAM replies, "Well, for once the fact that you screw anything that moves is your finest quality and your best defense. You didn't have to abuse your position at work in order to get laid." Brian grins, "The Fuck Defense?" The Mad Lawyering Skillz emerge at last. TLFKAM nods, "We've got to prove that when this kid didn't get what he wanted, he decided to get even." Brian knows that he's got her, but asks whether she'll take the case. TLFKAM thinks about it, and smiles, "Look, not that I give a shit about saving your ass, but it might be amusing to have you indebted to me for the rest of your life."