Music swells as the camera sweeps over a sleeping Ted. Fresh from a wonderful night's sleep, he stretches with a giant grin and looks down to find...his enormous boner! Oh, my God! A boner! A boner! RUN! RUN! RUN! Ted screams at the top of his lungs and my hand lunges for the remote control. Sadly, I cannot turn this off. Only you have the power. You lucky bastards.
Ted's screams are overlapped with the droning of the church bell. Brian's mom is going on about how great the minister is. She wants Brian to say hello to the minister. She walks Brian over, telling Brian how she's been bragging about him to the minister for a long time. She's told the minister how successful and good-looking Brian is. If Brian's mom were Debbie, I'd call that meddling. Reverend Tom turns around and hugs Brian's mother. She introduces him to Brian. The recognition is instantaneous. His name is Reverend Tom Butterfield. Butterfield's obviously worried that Brian's outed Butterfield to Brian's mother. Brian makes a joke about how it feels like they've already met. Oh, wait! Brian just broke a rule! He knows Butterfield's entire name! Brian's mom conveniently excuses herself to talk to her friend Ruth off-camera. Let's hope Ruth is the mom from Six Feet Under and she just wandered over from her time-slot to tell this show how to act like a decent show again. Brian, one foot still inside the church, lights a cigarette. "Great service," he says. Butterfield says he's glad Brian enjoyed it. "I meant, at the baths," Brian adds. Here's where Butterfield should say, "I did, too." Instead he talks to the occasional well-wisher and then chats in full volume with Brian in front of all these people how they don't know he's gay and he'd appreciate it if Brian didn't tell anybody. Brian says he won't tell his mom, since she doesn't even know Brian's gay. Brian says he hasn't talked to Butterfield's boss in years, so Butterfield's secret's safe with Brian.
"So, you fucked your mother's minister?" Mel asks. Mel and Lindsay are back, so it must be time to eat. Justin says, "You should have seen it; it was totally hot." Lindsay comments that Butterfield's taking a bit of a chance. Brian says the average age of Butterfield's parishioners is a hundred and two, so it's not all that risky. Emmett says he once wanted to be a priest, but he didn't want to live his life cloistered away in a roomful of men. His cell phone rings. It's Ted's erection, just outside, wearing a trenchcoat. He whispers fiercely, asking Emmett to come outside alone. Emmett opens the door with everyone standing there. Ted keeps his back turned and says he needs to talk to Emmett but doesn't want to come in for lunch. Emmett walks outside and says, loud enough for everyone to hear, "What do you mean, you still have an erection?" Ted calls Emmett "CNN." Ted tells everyone he took Viagra last night and he's on his eighteenth hour of hardness. Emmett asks if Ted soaked it. Lindsay recommends a cold shower. Brian suggests scaring it. "That's the hiccups," Justin smiles. "Boo!" Brian shouts at Ted's dick. Everyone laughs. Mel suggests something that would absolutely turn Ted off. Brian tells Mel and Lindz to show off their tits. Ted hisses at Emmett that he promised it would only last a few hours. Justin tells Brian to take some, since their sex life isn't what it used to be. He complains to Ted that they're only fucking four times a day lately. Ted panics. Brian tells Ted to make it until next Monday. "Flag Day." Joke #4. Emmett puts on his coat and grabs the pouting Ted.