Eddie sits and cleans penises. I really wish that was the last sentence I ever had to type about this show. Ted's thanking the actors and handing out paychecks. "Thanks for a good day's jerk!" he says. Maybe Ted's taking that "Jerk at Work" idea so seriously that he's decided to be a Jerk at Work. I'm ignoring the lame jokes here about a bunch of Roman gods and some guy named Stanley. "I don't get it, Mr. Schmidt," Earnest Eddie says after all the studs have left the stable. He's even got glasses, y'all. Do they have a Cliché Handbook that they just rip pages from and tape to the script? Eddie asks why Ted thinks this is a dream come true if he doesn't even look at the guys when they're all around. (Eddie says this while gesturing with giant black dildos.) Ted says he wanted to match the paycheck with the right cock. Eddie points out that the other night they had "Dueling Dicks: Twenty hours of non-stop J/O action." He says it was one of the porn events of the century, but Ted just sat at his desk working instead of watching it: "Didn't look up through the whole thing! Not once!" Eddie holds up the dildo on the word "once," and for real, I wonder why we watch this show. Eddie can't believe that Ted would want to do books and paychecks when guys are jacking off all over the place. Golly, gee wilikers, Mr. Schmidt. Eddie, dude, it was twenty hours long. Nothing is interesting for twenty hours in a row. Ted says this is work and he's the boss so he has to maintain a professional demeanor. He says that he loved every minute of it. Eddie decides to go home, but he says it in the porn way ("Well, if you don't need me for anything else...mind if I take off?"), but Ted doesn't ask him to take off his pants or help him with a boner, so poor Earnest Eddie has to leave without making a deposit. He just left a bucket of wet dildos in the middle of the room, by the way. Eddie leaves and Ted's alone. Ted muses for a minute and a half and then cues something up on his computer. It launches some porn on another screen. Ted watches. Nothing happens. Just like this season. We watch. Nothing happens. Ted finally shuts it off and stares at nothing for another five minutes.
Brian just installed an overhead desk spotlight and spinny cam, so they show it off to us. It doesn't make watching Brian drink wine and work on the baby wipes campaign any sexier. Justin comes home and says that Brian's working late. Brian says that one of the perks of being partner is getting to do the work that other people fuck up. "You asked for it," Justin sing-songs. "Yeah. And I got it," Brian says. He asks where Justin's been. Justin looks down and lies, "Studying." He shows Brian the Rage poster he made. Brian says he was supposed to do the marketing campaign on the comic. Justin says that Brian was too busy. Oh, really? Did you ask him? Asshole. Brian tries to pull Justin in for a kiss, but Justin says he needs to take a shower because he stinks. "From studying?" Brian asks. Justin laughs, thinking about the smell of Ethan's balls, and says, "Sweating over a project."