First, I'd like to thank my mother. Due to a series of unfortunate cable-related incidents, I had to watch the show at her place. Yes, she stayed in her bedroom. Yes, I tried to keep the volume low in the living room and turned the channel whenever she walked in. Yes, everyone pretended it wasn't really happening. At one point earlier that evening, I accidentally flipped to Sex and the City just as Sam said the word "masturbation." Mom and I both screamed. To paraphrase Pat Conroy, you can never get rid of a Christian fundamentalist upbringing. The best you can do is make that sucker float.
Scenes from the season finale start us up. To wit: Justin asked Brian to the prom and they had a fabulous time, right up until Chris Hobbes hits Justin in the head with a baseball bat. Michael decided to move to Portland with the evil doctor, but not before yelling at him for being an inconsiderate, overbearing, controlling schmuck. Demon waited apprehensively on the plane as Mike checked his cell phone messages at the gate. And, finally, Michael comforted a crying Brian at the hospital.
It's the Hot! Dancing! Gay! Boys! Oh! How I've missed them! Is that intro brighter than usual, or is it just me?
Babylon! HDGBs jiggle and groove under flashing neon lights; gold glitter falls around them. Ted, dressed like Ted, stands at the bar with Emmett, who's sporting a pink tank top over pink fatigues. Away from all the action, as usual. Emmett drawls, as he ogles a passing HDGB, "You know, some people might say the Grand Canyon or Big Sur, but I think some of the finest vistas to be found anywhere in these United States are right here in Pittsburgh." Ted grumps that it looks pretty "barren" to him. Emmett tells him to cheer up as the camera inexplicably cuts to a go-go dancer jumping up and down, so his silver g-string flops all over the place. Wow, that's got to hurt. Multiply that by two, and now you know why I don't jog. Emmett tells Ted to snap out of it: "There's got to be someone in this vast panorama of sweaty bodies who you're just dying to have reject you!" Here's hoping! Ted mopes that he's still in "mourning." Poor Eeyore. Not over Blake, yet, apparently. Emmett snaps that it's time to knock it off: "You know, even Jackie finally took off the widow's weeds, got up off of all fours, married some rich old man, and went shopping again." What was she doing on all fours? Why do I even ask? Is Emmett drunk? Emmett asks Ted at least to try to get back into the game. Ted sighs and looks around. He spots someone on the other side of the bar whose back is turned to them, and decides that's his next rejecter. Emmett asks Ted to point the guy out again. Ted does, gesturing over to a short guy with black hair, wearing a blue and red shirt. Emmett agrees that he's cute. Ted nods, "He's hot." The guy turns around. It's Mike. Snicker. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, some things never change. Hold onto that thought.