And now on to what I like to refer to as the "A-plot." "A" is in "asinine." Melanie and Lindsay accompany Ted and Emmett up the steps of a hotel. Emmett gripes that it's Saturday night, "and here [he is] dressed to go to a funeral." He is, by the way, wearing a nice grey suit over a dark blue shirt and short tie. Ted sneers, "Close. A hetero wedding." Ah, yes. Reverse discrimination. My favorite form of hypocrisy. Not that anyone's going to point it out here. Lindsay says something dumb about the boys not being able to "give up Babylon for one night." Ted starts to shake and says something stupid about withdrawal symptoms. Lindsay is wearing a blue sleeveless dress that ties behind her neck and requires her once again to go braless. Melanie looks much better in a similarly styled but elegant red dress that also requires her to go braless. I'm sure it's just a coincidence. Ted looks like he just got off work.
Ted, Emmett, Melanie and Lindsay enter the reception area, and some blonde walks right into the middle of the group to give Ted the elevator look. That was creepy. Melanie giggles, "Too bad you're not straight, you could really score big-time." Another woman -- a brunette this time -- checks Ted out, too. Emmett: "It's hard to believe, but in this parallel universe, you're actually hot." Ted's not thrilled. A waitress comes by with drinks. Emmett: "Pink champagne. Yeah. That's too nelly, even for me." Oh, please. It is NOT. Lindsay apologizes for "making [them] pretend to be our dates." Um. What?! Her sister Lynette "insisted that Mel and I not draw attention to ourselves." Okay, it's one thing if you decide to go to your sister's wedding, but to drag your partner of six years, with whom you are raising a child, into this farce? And your friends? She couldn't have just gone alone? Melanie didn't have to come, and if I were her, I certainly wouldn't have. As if to underscore my point, Melanie snarls, "What, did she think we were going to perform cunnilingus on top of the wedding cake?" Lindsay lames, "I'd promise I'd follow wedding etiquette." Emmett checks out one of the ushers passing by, and replies, "Well, I've read Miss Manners cover to cover, and nowhere does it say that you must subjugate your sexuality, even at the bride's request." There are so many things wrong with this. So many better ways to get to the punchline. Surely it can't be that hard for a team of professional writers, directors, and producers to come up with something. If Lindsay were still in the closet, she'd still be lame, but it would be sort of, kind of understandable, not to mention interesting. But she's not. After this, I don't have to sit through anyone else pretending to be straight, right? Because it was idiotic when Emmett did it, painful when Michael did it, pointless when Brian and Lindsay did it, traumatizing when Justin did it, and now that Melanie and Ted get to do it, we're done, right? Right? Now there's some blah blah blahhotcake about one of the ushers, and does Miss Manners say it's okay to fuck the usher, and Emmett says something dumb about it being fine, just not during the ceremony, and didn't Will and Grace already cover this territory?