Finally, Lindsay's parents come up and give St. L. a big hug. Mr. and Mrs. Petersen are named "Ron" and "Nancy." Yes. I know. Mrs. Petersen coolly greets Melanie. Melanie greets her back, nice and polite. St. L. introduces Ted and Emmett; Ted explains, "We're their beards." Just in case they didn't remember their daughter's a lesbian. Ron asks them if they're ready to hear "'Here comes the bride.' Again." This is Lynette's third wedding in five years. But the last one Ron's paying for. I believe that Miss Manners notes that second weddings and third weddings are up to the bride and groom -- so much for etiquette. So, Lesbian Lindsay is more capable of commitment than Lascivious Lynette. Her sister is a hypocrite, in the manner of heterosexuals Pittsburgh-wide. Everybody on the same page, here? Don't make me pull out the flow chart and the crayons. Moving on. Emmett's usher comes over to tell the Reagans it's time for the ceremony, and everyone heads off. Except Lindsay and Melanie forget, and throw their arms around each other's waists. Ted and Emmett have to remind them that they're no longer gay. Gack.
Brian's loft. As Brian closes the door, Mike complains that he left four messages for him. Brian repeats that he's been busy. Mike's not buying it. Brian asks if Mike wants dinner, and throws him a bag of chips. Michael is like, a bag of chips isn't dinner! Brian says something dumb about the potato chips plus a bottle of scotch being part of a healthy diet. Mike non sequiturs about never eating again because Debbie stuffed him full of food at the diner. No one cares. Is there a point here? Where is it? Here it is: Brian asks, "Well, who told you to eat it?" Mike says that no one did, but that it makes Debbie happy. Brian replies, "Well, there you go, Ladies and Gentlemen, proof positive that making other people happy can cause nausea, severe cramps, even diarrhea." That took five billion years, and Mikey doesn't even catch on. Instead, he gets into Brian's face and grins, "Got any Tums?" For a moment, Brian gives it up and grins back. Apropos of nothing, Brian asks what "Tums" spelled backwards is. Together, the two answer, "smut." Because they're twelve. Brian asks why Mike is back in Pittsburgh. Mike says that he's on vacation. Brian points out that there are many nicer places he could go to. I get up and get some coffee so that I can stay awake until somebody, anybody says something that moves the plot along. Mike says that the Pitts is his home. Brian says it isn't anymore, though. I should have put the coffee in a bigger cup. Brian asks who else Mike is planning to visit while he's in town. Duh. Justin's next. This gives Brian the opportunity to huff and puff and claim that he has no idea how Justin is, which gives Mike the opportunity to admonish Brian about not going to see the young lad. Which gives the audience the opportunity to scream, "We get it! Brian's avoiding Justin! You've told us five times already! Jesus!" But no. Brian asks why he should see Justin. Mike says it might make Justin happy. Brian repeats that making other people happy can be dangerous for one's health. I would like to point out again that nothing happened to Brian. Mike replies that making yourself miserable is dangerous, too. Gale Harold almost flubs his reply about Mike "sav[ing] his worried-wife routine for the doc." And then tries to get Mike to go to Woody's with him. Mike doesn't want to go to Woody's. I do, though. There's no alcohol here. Brian lames that it's part of "the tour." Mike finally agrees, because he still doesn't have a spine. Brian insists on showering first. Mike walks over to watch surreptitiously as Brian undresses. Brian has the bloody scarf from prom night wrapped around his chest under his shirt. Eww. That's just fucked up. Took damn long to get there, too.