Apparently, it's Brian's day to humor the fuckwittage of others, because he's at the Happy Fun House. Watching Lindsay try on her wedding dress. I'd like to call it karmic justice, but I'm still trying to figure out why I have to suffer, too. The dress is butt-ugly. It looks like something her mother wore at her shotgun wedding thirty years ago. Don't they sell Vera Wang rip-offs in Pittsburgh? St. L. asks Brian what he thinks; Brian says she looks like a movie. "A horror movie," he adds. Word. Lindsay shrugs, "Guillaume still has to fit it for me. He's great with a needle and thread." That's not what Brian meant, I think. Brian snorts, "Is there anything he can't do?" Lindsay: "Charm my friends." Brian replies that he didn't know Guillaume was trying. Guillaume breezes in with a bunch of boxes. Brian sneers, "Well, if it isn't Coco Chanel." Guillaume: "Company. Aren't we lucky?" Lindsay asks Guillaume what he thinks of the dress. "Gui" replies that it needs some work, but that he'll take care of it. Then the baby starts crying. Brian says that he'll get him, but Guillaume steps in front of him: "That's okay. He's used to me." He's used to Brian, too, Mr. Dead Man Walking. Nice knowing you. Not. Brian snorts, and asks Lindsay what Guillaume will be wearing. St. L. tells him that Guillaume will be sporting a conservative black tux, because it has to look real. Brian growls that this is all a farce. Lindsay tells him not to lose his temper. Brian: "Why not? You've lost your mind." Lindsay changes the subject -- sort of -- and says that she never thought she'd see herself in a wedding dress: "Although I've often dreamed of being a bride. It's true. Even dykes can't escape that fantasy." Is it okay if I don't care? Thanks. Brian: "Only, you're marrying the wrong person." Lindsay says that Brian never asked her. Shudder. Brian meant TLFKAM. Lindsay reminds him that they live in Pittsburgh, "not Vermont. And at any rate, it's too late. [TLFKAM] and I are finished." Then what was that mini-reconciliation bit last week? Brian replies that TLFKAM doesn't think they're finished: "In fact, the only thing she thinks about is you. She blames herself for everything." Lindsay: "Well, she's wrong. Because it's me. Because I pushed her away. Why would you push away someone you love?" Sigh. I don't know, but it's going around. Guillaume comes back in, apologizing for taking so long, "[Gus] is being...very fussy." Guillaume suggests that they get to work on the gown. I suggest that they burn it and start over. It's that ugly, folks. And there's no cure for cancer.
Debbie's. Jennifer's there. Justin rages that everything in his locker was destroyed, including his sketches and all his books. Jennifer asks if he knows who did it. Justin says he's not sure, but if he had to guess, it was probably Chris Hobbes, Class Closet Case. Vic intones, "I say we go beat the shit out of him." Ha! Debbie tells him that they're trying to be constructive; Vic replies that he thought he was being constructive. I did, too. Beating the shit out of Chris Hobbes is the best idea I've heard all day. Let's bet the crap out of Mini-D next. Jennifer asks her son whether he's talked to the principal. Justin says that Dr. Perkins doesn't care (whatever. See last week's rant on that bit of unreality), and mutters, "It's all because of that group." Jennifer asks what he's talking about, and Debbie explains about the Gay/Straight Student Alliance. Justin adds that they got shut down because they didn't go through the "proper" channels. Vic says they probably would have gotten shut down, regardless. Debbie gets on his case about deflating Justin's idea. Vic says that Justin should know the truth. Justin: "I just wanted a place where we could talk. We couldn't even have that." Jennifer tells him that maybe he shouldn't rock the boat so much. Humph. She would. Justin's like, you want me to hide?! Jennifer's like, no, I want you to be safe. Justin snaps, "So, you just want me to run away. Let them intimidate me my whole entire life?" No, just until the end of school. College will be a lot different, trust me. I'm kidding about the first part, because frankly, I'm ready to go all X on their homophobic behinds. But Justin's going to love college. Debbie tells Justin to stick up for himself, and orders Jennifer to stand behind him. Jennifer asks her to stay out of it. Debbie snorts, "I forgot. He just eats, sleeps, and jerks off here. I'll keep my big mouth shut." Snicker. Vic, sensing danger, skitters out of the way. Justin tells his mother, "This isn't about me, or even what happened at school. This is about speaking out, demanding to be heard, whether people want to hear you or not." Jennifer asks where he learned that; Justin says that he learned it from her and Craig. Right along with the proper way to stalk people. And then demand to be heard, whether they want to hear you or not. Oh, I get it now. Jennifer's like, "We did?" Self-awareness, however, does not run in the family. Debbie snorts, "Well, he certainly didn't learn it at the St. James Academy."