Previously, Brian and Debbie yelled at Mike to get a life. Instead, he got his old job back at the Big Q. Justin screamed at Jennifer for forbidding Brian to see him. Later, he freaked out when he and Brian were about to have sex. Even later, Justin's memory of the attack was triggered by a big, yellow, plastic bat. Ted got fired for surfing porn at work, and his boss told him that if he's not happy being an accountant, then he's better off not being one. Melanie rethought her position and proposed to Lindsay. Lindsay said no. Oh, of course she said yes.
They're Hot. They're Dancing. They're Gay. They're Boys. And they're shaking it, dude.
A well-appointed dining room. Five men sit around a table -- two on one side, three on the other. Everyone's holding champagne glasses. Okay, so get this: the two on one side are a black guy and a white guy. On the other side are an Asian guy, an Arab guy, and a guy in a wheelchair. Asian Guy raises his glass towards the couple and salutes, "To Judge Bobby. And Dr. Bruce." Arab Guy and Wheelchair Guy join him in clinking glasses, congratulating Bobby and Bruce on ten years of fidelity. Bruce and Bobby wish each other a happy anniversary. Asian Guy asks where "Jamie" is, adding that Jamie said he was stuck in surgery. Bruce, the black guy, sneers, "Oh, I'm sure he's operating -- on some boy!" Bobby continues, "Or at Club Sodom!" Everyone reacts with disgust. Asian Guy: "That awful place?" Wheelchair Guy: "Where they dance! And have sex, and take drugs!" Gasp! And every time I read that, I start busting up. What are you, Quakers? Bruce shakes his head that it's a shame that Jamie "has allowed himself to become a stereotype, instead of a role model for the community." Everyone nods in agreement. Bobby sighs that he hopes one day poor deluded Jamie will come to his senses, "and realize that there are more productive ways to spend his time"! Cut to Woody's, where the gang's all watching this...on television. Brian shakes his head in disbelief. On the screen, Wheelchair Guy adds that Jamie should join their gay men's reading group: "Last week we read Sylvia Plath. And this week, Jane Austen." Everyone in the bar is mesmerized. The show is called...okay, the Show is called Gay as Blazes. This is supposed to be what QaF would look like if it were politically correct, right? Sucky title. But props for coming up with even worse dialogue than usual.
At the commercial break, Brian grabs the remote and turns off the TV, growling, "Blaze this!" Everyone protests. Emmett grabs the remote from him and says that it's his new favorite show: "The actors are dreamy!" he pouts. Lindsay adds, "The Times says that's it the most accurate portrayal of gay life ever shown on television." Happy Medium, meet CowLip. CowLip, meet...hey, where you guys going? Brian sighs, exasperated: "Well, then, where's the sucking? And where's the fucking?" All together with Melanie, now: "Jesus, don't you get enough of that at home?" Mikey snaps that the point of GaB "is that it's not all about sex. There's more to gay life than that." I really don't know how much of this I can take. Brian says if that means reading Sylvia Plath, he'd rather kill himself. I prefer Dorothy Parker, myself. Ted tries to get through: "These people have principles. When you have principles, you don't need orgasms." Brian snaps back in response, "You have principles when you don't have orgasms." Because it's not possible to have both? Happy Medium sighs and asks me if I have any vodka. It's Lindsay's turn now: "I, for one, commend the producers for portraying us as being mature and responsible." Melanie adds, waving at Brian, "Instead of being promiscuous and narcissistic." Brian rolls his eyes: "Welcome to Fantasy Island." Emmett sighs, "Oh, I wish they would bring that back." The gang agrees. Ted says that it's important that the "straight world sees realistic portrayals of us." Brian's like, that is not realistic. But The Cosby Show is? Wait. Sorry, wrong minority group. Brian adds, "And who gives a fuck about what straight people think?" Yeah, especially since straight women make up a good portion of QaF's audience, and all. Enn-e-way. Melanie grins, "Hey, you better watch your mouth, now that you're getting the hero award from the Center." Brian retorts that he didn't do anything to deserve it: "They can keep their golden dildo." Lindsay expects him to show, though, and starts handing out tickets to everyone. Brian makes some noise to the effect that he can't make it because he has to go to "Suck-a-Rama at The Toolshed." He shoves his ticket into his half-empty glass of beer and stalks off. Ted grabs the remote and turns the show back on.