Lindsay's in pigtails, shouting to Mel from the porch. They've received a letter from Gus's would-be school. Any college graduate would know that a thin letter from a school is never a good sign. Lindsay and Mel banter a bit about what college Gus will want to go to. Lindsay opens the letter. Gus didn't get in. Mel reads the letter, baffled. "It's bullshit," she concludes. They thought Gus would get in because the school wanted "all different kinds of people." Lindsay spits, "Apparently not our kind of people." Do you guys think maybe Gus just isn't good enough for the fancy school? They just about licked both of your pussies right there at the school. Nope, must be because they're gay. Mel, the lawyer, instantly concludes that this is discrimination. The shaky-cam approaches Lindsay as she says, "Against our son. For something that has nothing to do with him." God, this show.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGUGUGGHHHH! Make it stop! Make Divina Devore's photo shoot stop! The photographer's talking in a voice-over, and Divina looks like a salamander dressed as Jackie O for Halloween. Michael just walks right into her hotel room (again, fans can do anything, including find out which hotel room a celebrity is in and then just walk right in demanding things). He asks if she'll change her mind. "I don't change my mind!" she shouts. "Only my underwear." It's like Bette Davis wrapped in cellophane. "Sassy!" the photographer voice-overs. Divina tells Michael to scram, so Michale doesn't. Instead, he tells Divina that his uncle was right. He tells Divina Vic's name. There's a rapid, subway-cam on Divina's face as she hears Vic's name. WAY TOO CLOSE! WAY TOO CLOSE! Back the fuck up from that face. Jesus, it's like a clown dressing up as a clown. Divina asks if he's the one Michael told her was sick. (Uh, when did that happen?) Michael says that Vic's doing a lot better now since he's on the cocktail. Divina sends her regards and asks if Debbie is Michael's mother. "You knew my mom?" Michael asks. "Knew her?" Divina shouts. "I DATED HER!" I guess you should wear that like a badge of honor. A purple heart. Divina says back then, she was a male impersonator and did a pretty good job. Her eyebrows are drawn up next to her hairline and it looks like her real eyebrows are all stitched up Marilyn Manson-style. I'm terrified and I'll never sleep again. Divina asks if Debbie became a nurse like she always wanted. Michael says he never knew Debbie wanted to be a nurse. Why doesn't Michael know anything about anyone? "Just a waitress," Michael says. "Dear Michael, Being a waitress is a full time fucking job and a lot of fucking work and something you wouldn't know about since you sit on your ass reading comic books all day in a fantasy land where you'd be allowed to own a business. And, uh, weren't you just a stockboy at fucking K-Mart? Shut your shitty hole and give your mother some respect. Love, Waitresses and Waiters of the World." Divina says that Debbie's laugh could bring down a house. She certainly fucked up some of my plateware. Divina tells Michael that Debbie was a real looker. Michael replies, "Still is. Just, now there's more to look at." Horrible, rotten kid. Divina agrees to do the banquet. Michael thanks her. "Don't thank me," Divina says. "Pay me." Michael asks how long it's been since Divina saw his mother. Divina says it was the summer after graduation when he left town. I can't recap the next two sentences because the close-up on Divina's face is so severe that I actually start crying. God. Like Emmett Kelly on crack.