AAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUGGHH! Divina Devore is the scariest thing I've ever seen in my entire life. Like Nathan Lane after cheating on Atkins. Her eyes are giant white pools of goo. Face slicked with sweat. And if she's such a superstar, why's she playing this shitty little theater in Pittsburgh? About nine tables in the room. Absolutely no stage presence. Lip-synching her own singing. Emmett, Ted, and Michael prance backstage right behind the stage manager. I guess anybody can go backstage if they're big enough fans. That's how it works, isn't it? As Divina finishes singing that she's one of the girls who's one of the boys, Emmett tells Michael and Ted that nobody makes a better woman than a gay man. Michael asks, "What woman looks like that? Big, red wig, tons of jewelry, gaudy clothes?" Emmett, Ted, and the stage manager all turn slowly to the screen as I shout, "Your mama!" They avoid the "your mama" joke and just make Michael say that his mother doesn't look like that. But man, Divina is the spitting image of Debbie, for real. And the stage manager knows Michael's mother? Divina leans back on the curtain as the audience politely applauds. She shouts, "Thank you, Pittsburgh! For reminding me why I left!" As she takes another bow, Ted hopes that Divina won't be "one of those maniac divas who thinks she's the center of the universe -- you know, snapping her fingers bossing people around."
Cue Divina snapping fingers, bossing, bitching. The stage manager can't figure out whether to call Divina "ma'am" or "sir." Why is this entire scene in a blue light? Nobody's having anal sex. I don't get it. Ted stops Divina and stammers that the show was "sparkling." "Bubbling," Emmett adds. "Effervescent," Ted finishes. "Stop, you'll make me burp," Divina jokes. Oh, my God. Divina's eyes. People, it's the grossest thing I've ever seen. She looks like Maggie Smith melting. How does someone get their eyes to droop so low? Michael also says he thought Divina's performance was stellar. Divina says it's flattering to get such praise from such nice young men. She tries to excuse herself, but Ted stops her to ask if she'll do the Angels Over Pittsburgh benefit. Divina mocks shock and flattery as she says, "I'd love to! If I didn't already spend half my life doing benefits. If I do any more, they'll have to throw one for me." Good day, sir. Ted tries a move that's supposed to read "jaw-dropping shock" but instead looks like "TMJ spasm with a hint of lockjaw on an airplane."