Ed has a great body and a great personality. He wants to pamper that special someone. Everybody together now: "Cue the Pampers!" Yes, indeed. Ed's holding a diaper over his shoulder in that subtle way we've come to know and love from this show. Mikey tilts back his drink with an audible gulp. Good idea, Mike. I think I shall join you. The TiVo says I'm only three minutes in.
This is a bad camera angle here at the diner. We're slowly approaching Mikey and Ted from behind. I'm sure it's just the angle or the jeans Ted's wearing, but his ass looks huge. Ted asks Michael what he expected from a thirty-second voice personal. Michael says he thought those guys would be honest, since he didn't lie in his ad. I don't think any of those guys lied, now, did they? They were incredibly honest, to a comedic fault, I do believe. Debbie starts laughing at her son. She called up and listened to Michael's ad. Okay, it's time to move away from Mama, if she's calling up her son's gay personal's ad to hear what he has to say. Why doesn't Debbie go on the dates and suck dick for him, too? "No, honey. Grab the balls here!" All looking up: "Sorry. My son's a bit of a pussy when it comes to the balls. I'll help him out." Back to the show. Debbie's still laughing, and now she's telling Ted what Michael said in his ad. This is so wrong! "Hey, it's Mike! Cute. Swimmer build. Boy-next-door type." Mikey tries to leave, but Ted brings him back so they can continue the ridicule. Debbie notes, "You also added a couple of extra inches." Wait for the joke...wait for it...wait..."To his height." Brilliant! Never saw it coming. "But I was very pleased to hear that you are versatile, and not a total bottom." Mikey's not a total bottom. Right. And Debbie's not actually Ed Asner doing a Sharon Gless impression. Ted gives Mikey a half-hearted back rub as Mikey's face is pointed directly at the floor. Debbie tells Michael that he's never going to get a boyfriend from voicemail. She gives him a piece of paper she's pulled from her bosom. It's her friend Ida, the matchmaker. Ted turns and tells us, "I could make a lot of trite musical theatre references right now." He does a take at Mikey and then looks back at us. "But I won't." You know, I think it's common knowledge that the random breaking of the fourth wall occurs on the thirtieth episode of any show, isn't it? Mikey tells his mother that her friends are freaks and that he's not interested. Debbie pushes her son's face to the other side of the room to point out two men who are canoodling in a booth. I never use the word "canoodling," so you know that there must be some serious snuggling and food-feeding going on. Debbie says that Ida set those two up and now they're celebrating their "third." Date? It's really strange, but it looks like Tim Roth is dating himself. They both look like Tim Roth in preppie rugby clothing. Ted, always the internet-"savvy" one, tells Mikey to try the Adam and Steve Internet Dating blah blah blah. That way Mikey can see what he's getting before he gets it: "Weed out the unfuckables." Because if you're looking for honesty, you're going to find it on the internet. Mikey says that all of it is bullshit, and that the next guy who walks through the door will be the man he spends the rest of his life with. Emmett walks through the door, telling Mikey that he's late on the rent check. Mikey furiously grabs the newspaper from Ted's grip.