I just need to take a moment here to ask how exactly this JerkAtWork.net thing works. People are paying for registrations seconds before Emmett shoots. How is that exciting or worth your $9.95 a month? I don't get it. And what's the big deal about the JerkAtWork.net feature of clicking a button that pulls up a screensaver? If you don't know how to make a window disappear with the push of a button, you don't deserve to watch porn at work. And what's on JerkAtWork.net the twenty or so hours a day that Emmett isn't jacking off in front of a webcam? Is it just a shot of the bed? Why do I care? Why?
Emmett slowly reads the rest of the card so we know the chunky junk was from a "secret admirer." Emmett is breathless and near tears as he confesses he's always wanted a secret admirer. He asks Ted to help him put the bracelet on. Ted tells Emmett he can't keep it. "It's gold!" Emmett says. "What kind of queen doesn't accept gold?" Ted says the one whose royal subjects send giant dildos and jockstraps. See, right here they could have come up with two gifts we haven't seen yet so there's actually a joke and not just a rehashing of things we already know. Not that I'm a writer for the show. But if I were, I'd give you a joke there. That's what I'd do for you. Because I love you. I know it's early in our relationship, but I'm averaging a page a minute on this show, and if that's the case, this will end up being a very long recap soon and we'll have spent months together on season two, episode eight, so I'd just like to get out here right now that I love you more than I've ever loved anybody I've never met before. Okay. Back to the recap. Ted calls Emmett's fans (and Ted's own clients) "lunatics." Nice. He tells Emmett that if he lets these people into his life, they're going to think that they're friends and they're going to expect something from Emmett and he'll never be rid of them. Well, that's true. I mean, I know we just met and all, but I feel like you guys have been kind of clingy ever since I told you that I loved you. I mean, sometimes "I love you" is just a figure of speech, okay? Emmett whines that the bracelet is shiny and pretty. Ted tells him to take it off. Emmett throws a tiny tantrum and pouts, "I don't want to." Ted takes the bracelet and walks off with the box of presents. "Everything in this life comes with strings attached," he says. "Even little white satin ones." Ted leaves the room. Emmett walks back over to the Tiffany's box and removes the bracelet and card.