The Happy Fun House. Lindsay's on the couch, eating cookies and ripping pictures out of bridal magazines. Melanie comes home from work, and St. L. gives her a big hug and kiss. Melanie's not too keen on wearing wedding dresses at their wedding, actually. I'm not too keen about hearing about the wedding at all, but my suffering has been extensively chronicled. Lindsay asks what else they would wear? Melanie chuckles, "Well, we could always wear strap-ons, and get married on Ted's website." Lindsay doesn't think that's funny, and this is really lame, because she used to have a way better sense of humor. This is the woman who never fails to give Brian shit about his sex life? Lindsay uptights, "How could a nice, intelligent person do something like that?" Melanie looks thoughtful some more. Lindsay suggests that they look through more bridal mags. Melanie leaves the room for a second and returns with a big cardboard box. She explains that when she came out to her parents in college, her father cut her off and told her that he never wanted to see her again. Melanie still had to pay her bills. She shrugs, "But you know how Jewish parents are. 'Forever' turned out to be three weeks." But by then, Melanie had earned enough to pay for the rest of the year's tuition, by posing in Oui magazine. That's a magazine of female pornography, in case you gay guys didn't know. Lindsay takes the issue Mel offers her and thumbs through it cautiously. And there Melanie is, buck naked, tummy sucked in, back arched, and lips pursed, fingers intwined in a string of pearls. Lindsay's shocked, and not in a good way. Possibly. Melanie keeps quiet and tries not to giggle nervously, as Lindsay flips through the pictures.
The Dungeon. Ted already has 503 people signed up to watch Zack O'Tool. At $29.95 a pop, that ain't bad. Emmett says that he's proud of him: "You took your dream, grabbed it by the balls, shaved them, and made it come true." The phone rings, and Ted runs to answer it. On the other end, The Zack is only wearing football pads and his really long dick. The difference between this show and actual pornography is anyone's guess, most times. Zack explains that he's not going to show: "We're running a little behind...I'm about to do my big scene where I ream the team for fumbling their balls." Behind him, a group of men are bent over and ready. Ted says they can start later, if he likes, but Zack doesn't really care. Could he tell "Tad" that he can't make it? Thanks. Ted's in shock: "I've got 503 horny geeks waiting to see Zack O'Tool jacking the beanstalk, only he's not coming!" Or coming! Emmett says his offer of the inflatable bed and the spare key still stands. Ted looks over at Emmett for a sec and then growls at him to get on the bed. Emmett doesn't understand. Ted grabs him and throws him on the bed and shrieks, "The show must go on!" Emmett likes jacking off anyway, doesn't he? Emmett points out that he usually doesn't do it in front of such a large audience, and anyway, didn't these people sign up to see Zack O'Tool? Aren't they going to be disappointed with Just Emmett? Ted snaps, "At this point, a dick's a dick. And you're the only dick I've got!" Ted throws a bottle of lube at him. Emmett sighs, "I'm sorry Teddy, every friendship, even one as deep and as close as ours, has its limitations." And Emmett's reached them. Ted offers him the same deal Zack had. Emmett climbs right back onto the bed.