Babylon! Ted hands out flyers for the website to all the HDGBs, one of whom is checking Emmett out. Emmett's like, wait a minute, was that HDGB checking me out? Ted replies that the HDGB was indeed checking Emmett out. The HDGB ambles up and asks if Emmett was the guy on JerkAtWork.net. Ted pipes up that he sure was! Come back and visit! "Tad" is a tad bit oily this week, isn't he? The HDGB calls Emmett's performance "inspiring," and asks Emmett to sign the HDGB's dick. As Ted's jaw slackens in shock, Emmett writes, "To Christopher. Thanks for being such...a big fan..I hope I can live up to it. All my best...love and luck...Emmett. Honeycutt." Teddy, I think you've found your next star, there. The HDGB thanks Emmett and lopes off. What, no exchange of phone numbers, saliva, anything? Sigh. Ted tells Emmett that he needs a porn name: "Porn lore has it that you're supposed to take the name of your childhood pet, and add the street that you grew up on." For Emmett, that would be "Fetch Dixon." Ted shrugs, "Fetch Dixon. A star is...porn."
The Happy Fun Bedroom. Lindsay flips through another bridal magazine. Bor-ing! She decides to check out that issue of Oui instead, and flips straight to Melanie's pictures. Melanie eventually catches Lindsay masturbating to them. Lindsay's embarrassed, because she doesn't like porn! Really! "And I like even less thinking about all those strange men, and even a few women, looking at you," she adds. Melanie says it was so long ago, though, and she didn't tell Lindsay because it wasn't really anything she was proud of. She'd practically forgotten about it, actually. Lindsay replies that she doesn't like having any secrets. There aren't more, are there? Mel shakes her head and pulls off her tank top. Melanie asks if Lindsay's got any skeletons in her own closet. Lindsay grins, "Well, there was that time I was a hooker in Alaska. But that was only a summer job." Let the Fun Lesbian Sex begin. Melanie says that she "used to have a pretty hot bod." Lindsay purrs that Melanie still does. Melanie gasps, "Why settle for a magazine when you can have the real thing?"
Babylon! In grainy black and white, no less. From the balcony, Brian watches Justin make out with an HDGB on the dance floor. Cut to a color shot, of...uh, Brian watching Justin make out with an HDGB on the dance floor. I'm sorry, but the direction is just a little too random for me. Brian walks up and tells the HDGB to fuck off. Justin's not sure what's going on. Brian proclaims, "You were right. The reason I took you in was that you took a bat to the head. But that's not the reason that I want you to stay." Brian says that Justin shouldn't get the idea that they're "some married couple." They're not. He adds, "We're not, like, fucking straight people." O! The meta-irony! Brian continues, "We're queers, and if we're together, it's because we want to be, not because there's matching locks on our doors." If Brian's out, then Justin needs to assume he's out having sex, "And when I come home, I'm also doing what I want to be doing. Coming home to you." Aw, how...romantic? Justin says he has some rules, though. Both of them can have sex with whomever they want, but not the same person twice. No exchange of names or numbers. And Brian always has to come home, no matter what. They settle on 3 AM as a curfew. Never let it be said that Justin's afraid to push his luck. Justin's last rule is that Brian doesn't kiss anyone else on the mouth but Justin. In response, Brian gives him a big old B/J heartstopper of a kiss. Wow. Only someone with that little life experience would ever think those rules would work. ["Or someone who'd seen the first third of Pretty Woman." -- Wing Chun] Justin's, like, totally fine with Brian sleeping around, right? As long as he has proof that it doesn't mean anything. PROOF, darn it! Because Brian doesn't kiss anyone else on the mouth! Oh, well. He'll learn.