Back at the gym, Brian's getting dressed when his steam-room dalliance walks up and shoves a piece of paper in Brian's jeans. Brian's well-fitting jeans. Cough. Um, yeah, so, Steam Room Guy tells Brian to call him some time; Brian's like, oh, yeah, sure, NOT. His cell rings, and it's Mike, who tells him to get down to the house. Mike tells Brian, "Well, you know all those Hebrew words at the bottom of the invitation? I just found out what those mean."
Melanie holding Gus. The Rabbi goes through the three steps that every Jewish boy goes through in order to become a man -- bris, bar mitzvah, marriage. And then it occurs to me, as I think about my half-Jewish friends -- isn't religion passed on through the mother's side? That being Lindsay? I know Melanie's supposed to be his mother, too, but she didn't give birth to him, which means she's more like his father, and then my little pink brain starts to hurt. But I'm pretty sure I'm right. Unless they got a special lesbian dispensation from the Rabbi Council, or something. That's probably a 201 topic, though. I'm only halfway through the 101 class.
Katsuo sits in the corner playing with a Game Boy. Mike and Ted support Emmett on both sides so that he won't take another sniper hit onto the floor. The Rabbi picks up the...uh, knife? Emmett: "Oh my god, he's really going to do it." Mike: "Where's Brian?" Ted: "Looking after the only dick that matters -- his own." Ted's getting all the good lines.
The Rabbi's just leaning in, when... "Excuse me, Rabbi?" It's Brian to the rescue! Brian, all Wrath-of-God-like in the middle of the living room: "You two. In the kitchen. Now." Melanie, whose motto has always been that a good offense is the best defense, starts in on the screaming right away. Interrupted a religious ceremony, blah, blah, blah. How dare he, yada, yada, yadacakes. Scream, shout, verge of aneurysm, etc. Film at Eleven. Brian says that they should have asked his permission, and as biological father, he has more rights than she does. Burn! Melanie: "I see someone's been studying his law!" Yeah, too bad the lawyer hasn't. That would be you, Melanie. If you want him out of your life so badly, why didn't you get him to sign away his parental rights? As much as I hate to say it, I have to side with Brian on this one. Melanie screams that if he cares so much about his son, how come he hasn't come to see him once since he was born? Brian replies that he hasn't exactly been welcome. I don't know what gives him that idea. Melanie: "Oh, please! You've just been too busy fucking everything that moves!" I, as humble recapper -- nay, historian -- would like to point out that Brian did come over a few days ago. You know, when you two forced him into signing those insurance papers? St. Lindsay points out that they have a houseful of guests who can hear every word they're saying, and then asks Brian why he cares whether Gus has a bris or not. Brian: "It matters that he's only been in this world a week, and there are already people who won't accept him for the way he is -- that would even mutilate him rather than let him be the way he is: the way he was born. Well, I'm not going to let that happen." You go, Brian! But there should be violins playing during this scene. Where are the Violins Of Angst And Cultural Misunderstanding? Actually, this episode has been shockingly devoid of music so far. The Rabbi comes into the kitchen and asks whether they're ready to proceed. And there's Lindsay, caught between Brian and Melanie.