The Rabbi's just leaning in, when... "Excuse me, Rabbi?" It's Brian to the rescue! Brian, all Wrath-of-God-like in the middle of the living room: "You two. In the kitchen. Now." Melanie, whose motto has always been that a good offense is the best defense, starts in on the screaming right away. Interrupted a religious ceremony, blah, blah, blah. How dare he, yada, yada, yadacakes. Scream, shout, verge of aneurysm, etc. Film at Eleven. Brian says that they should have asked his permission, and as biological father, he has more rights than she does. Burn! Melanie: "I see someone's been studying his law!" Yeah, too bad the lawyer hasn't. That would be you, Melanie. If you want him out of your life so badly, why didn't you get him to sign away his parental rights? As much as I hate to say it, I have to side with Brian on this one. Melanie screams that if he cares so much about his son, how come he hasn't come to see him once since he was born? Brian replies that he hasn't exactly been welcome. I don't know what gives him that idea. Melanie: "Oh, please! You've just been too busy fucking everything that moves!" I, as humble recapper -- nay, historian -- would like to point out that Brian did come over a few days ago. You know, when you two forced him into signing those insurance papers? St. Lindsay points out that they have a houseful of guests who can hear every word they're saying, and then asks Brian why he cares whether Gus has a bris or not. Brian: "It matters that he's only been in this world a week, and there are already people who won't accept him for the way he is -- that would even mutilate him rather than let him be the way he is: the way he was born. Well, I'm not going to let that happen." You go, Brian! But there should be violins playing during this scene. Where are the Violins Of Angst And Cultural Misunderstanding? Actually, this episode has been shockingly devoid of music so far. The Rabbi comes into the kitchen and asks whether they're ready to proceed. And there's Lindsay, caught between Brian and Melanie.
The Liberty Diner, that night. The boys and Katsuo are crowded into a booth. Emmett, to Brian: "You really showed those dykes who's got the low hangers." Mike: "And for once, it was us." Actually, it was all Brian. BRIAN, Michael, not you. Debbie walks past them, carrying a tray filled with food. Brian, endearing as always, asks her if they can have some service. Debbie: "Keep your pants on. At least until you've had dinner." Known him twenty years, and still doesn't realize that's too much to ask. Well, hope springs eternal, I guess. As does Brian. Ted: "I've always said that here are two reasons to be friends with lesbians: they'll never try to convince you that the only reason you're gay is because you haven't met the right woman, and they know how to change a flat." He forgot a third one -- they can always give you a good recommendation for a barber. Sorry, it was an obvious line, and nobody's used it. Brian says it's not about Melanie and Lindsay, it's about Gus: "If I don't look out for him, who will?" Mike: "Wow. If you're not careful, Brian, you might turn out to be an all right dad despite yourself." Brian gives him a combination of The Sneer and a wry grin. The guys all toast to Brian. Like he needs the validation. Debbie's usual brightness is dimmed somewhat by a black shirt and pants, but she's still wearing the rainbow P-FLAG Honor vest -- on which some buttons are actually blinking. Oh, Jaysus, her t-shirt actually says, "Got Lube?" And I bet you if someone answers "No," she probably has some in her back pocket. Emmett says that he doesn't want anything, and Debbie retorts that he "should try to eat some of [his] protein off a plate." Emmett: "I read that for every thirty pounds you lose, you gain an inch of cock." Debbie: "So if you just drop another ninety pounds, then you'll have a four-inch pecker!" Ba-dum-bump! Emmett isn't amused, but everyone else is. Although neither Ted nor Mike wants anything, either, after that. Katsuo pipes up, in broken English, "Cheeseburger, French fries, chocolate shake, apple pie." Ted and Mike look at each other: How much does he understand, anyway? Emmett gazes at Katsuo fondly, like a proud papa. Brian, as usual, couldn't care less.