Queer as Folk U.S.
Queens Of The Road

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Y'all are Tripping

The elevator to Brian's penthouse. To no one's surprise, Brian's managed to seduce his personal trainer, and makes out with him as the elevator climbs to the top floor. Oh, my god, the guy's black! Wow, this is some alternate universe I've fallen into. They pull away from each other as the elevator makes it to Brian's floor. Brian pants, "And that was just the warm-up." Trainer Guy's in awe, like he's never been kissed before. Brian -- tracing a finger on Trainer Guy's chest -- continues, "Now we'll do some serious pumping. Focusing on each muscle group, and plenty of reps." Why none of his conquests laugh in Brian's face, I'll never know. Anyway, Trainer Guy's still enthralled as Brian hears his phone beeping like it's off the hook. He can hear this because the door's open, and the door's open because someone broke in and stole everything. The TV. The computer. All of Brian's clothes. Trainer Guy hopefully says, "At least the bed's still here." Riiiiight.

Cut to a pair of policemen taking Brian's statement. One asks, "Have you had any strangers in the house lately? " A montage follows of, like, eight guys, one after the other, walking into the loft, including a pair of twins, one with a t-shirt that says "Catcher," the other which says, "Pitcher." Brian replies to the policeman, "Uh, no, just family and close friends." HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Choke. Hee hee hee! Cough, cough, cough. Oh, man.

Cut to Mike, calling Brian, asking if he wants to meet him at Woody's, or if he wants Mike to pick him up. The screen splits to show Brian in the loft and Mike in his apartment. Brian tells Mike that he's been robbed: "Get your ass over here." Ever obedient, Mike runs out of his apartment and into Brian's screen. Justin leans forlornly against the couch, which I gather was too big to steal. Brian sneers at him, "You forgot to set the alarm?" Justin says that he thought he did set it. Brian asks Justin where the hell he went. Justin says he went to Molly's party, and then wandered around for awhile. Brian retorts, "Well, while you were kinda walking around, I was kinda robbed!" Mike tells him to take it easy, and Brian shoots back, "That's all there is left to take!" Justin apologizes, and Brian steams that he has "five minutes to pack [his] stuff, none of which was stolen, and get the fuck out of here!" Brian stomps away as Justin slowly gathers his things under Mike's worried eye.

At Debbie's, Mike tells his folks that Brian got robbed. Vic says that Brian should move to a safer neighborhood, Debbie adding, "Like this one. I leave my door open, and nothing gets taken." Mike snorts, "Not many people are looking for a black velvet matador painting and a TV console from 1968, Ma." Debbie says that they happen to be collector's items. Vic asks whether they know who did it, and Mike says they don't, but that Brian's majorly angry with Justin. Debbie coos, "Poor Sunshine." Vic asks Mike if he's going to stay for breakfast, but Mike has to go to brunch elsewhere. Debbie teases him for being so "fancy." Vic snorts, "It's just like breakfast, except with a slice of kiwi on the side." Don't forget the parsley! Debbie asks, "Are you going with David, my Chiropractor-in-law?" Mike tells her not to start: "Next thing you'll want to know is if we're moving in together." Debbie's on the scent -- did David ask Mike to move in with him?! Mike says that he did. Debbie's all hugging him, "Oh, Michael, that's wonderful!" No. No, it really isn't. It's like the opposite of that, whatever the opposite is that incorporates a really, really bad idea. Debbie gushes that she's going to give Mike some of her mother's heirlooms, and, I get it, it's the gay version of getting married, but Mike tells her not to get so excited, because he hasn't said yes, yet. Debbie, too, wants to know what the hell there is to think about. Vic, voice of reason, thank the Lord our God, replies, "Plenty. I remember it took Roberto and me six months to decide to live together. And a week to break up." Debbie's not trying to hear that: "Well, how did you know he was still seeing three of his exes?" She covers Mike's ears, adding, "And don't fill the kid's head with horror stories." Vic says that it's not easy for two men to couple up, Debbie snaps that it's not easy for anybody. Word, y'all. Debbie tells Mike that if two people love each other, "you at least owe it to yourselves to try." Ack!

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Queer as Folk U.S.




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