Queer as Folk U.S.
Rage Against This Machine

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Watch Him As He Goes

These porn awards. So many dumb jokes in a row. Two porn stars deliver bad writing stiltedly. This isn't a black-tie event for anyone but Ted, it seems. One guy's wearing, like, a t-shirt. Anyway, Emmett wins and Ted celebrates like he's Emmett. He just screams and shouts and Cuba Gooding Jr.s all over the place. He's beaming as he holds the Crystal Dick and finally remembers to tell them that he's not actually Emmett. Ted strokes the Crystal Dick and says it's such a thrill to be holding a dick. God! It's all so insultingly bad! Then Emmett walks up slowly, but nobody applauds until he speaks his first line. There are two girls with blue wigs in the audience, but they're not sitting together. Emmett looks fabulous in a red, shiny suit. Emmett takes the microphone from the reluctant Ted and accepts his applause. He thanks everyone and says the award means a lot to him. If he hadn't been on JerkAtWork.net, he wouldn't have met the most wonderful man he's ever known. He says Pickle's name, and there's a bad voice-over of one guy going, "Schickle's Pickles?" The production values on this show make You Can't Do That On Television look like The Sopranos. Emmett decides to read the speech he'd prepared for Pickle's service. I guess he thinks he's got all night for his acceptance speech, and I don't think delivering a eulogy at a porn award show is any classier than getting thrown out of a funeral service. Couldn't he have read it as they were leaving the service, or at the cemetery? Anyway, Emmett says that Pickle was a man of prominence and wealth, but to Emmett, he was just George -- a man who just wanted to love another boy. "I was lucky enough to be that boy," he says. "I'd like to think I brought a little fun into his life, but what he gave me was so much more. Something all his money couldn't buy. He made me feel like I was somebody." Emmett folds up the paper and says, "I love you, Georgie. What we had for a few short months was more than most people have in a lifetime." Emmett thanks them, and the crowd applauds as Ted comes up and hugs Emmett. You can see people leaving from the audience as they politely applaud and wait for "Best Cum Shot In an Ass Ram." Then they stand and give Emmett a blue-light standing ovation.

Leda unpacks and calls the girls "dames." She says she's glad Lindsay and Melanie finally came to their senses. She says that if they had made any more of a mess, she'd have to detonate instead of renovate. Lordy, this show has some bad writing. Mel and Lindsay are setting up the couch, which I guess is now just a bed full-time, and can't be a couch during the day. Mel says they screwed up. Leda says it's not too late. Lindsay asks how long this will all take. Leda says it depends on the "triangle of expectation." They really think we're retarded now because Leda pulls out a piece of paper, draws a triangle on it and explains that you can have fast and cheap or fast and good or cheap and good, but you can't have all three. Is there a test on this later? Mel finally understands that it'll take a long time. Leda says there's no need to worry. She turns on a boombox that's playing Peaches' "Rock Show" and says they won't even know she's there. Right. Mel holds up a baby monitor to remind all of us that they have a kid they aren't really worrying about these days. Leda turns Peaches off. Lindsay is uneasy. Mel kisses Leda good night. Mel kisses Lindsay. Lindsay says she'll be right up. She tells Leda she's grateful that Leda's doing this, and that she's happy Leda's there. Leda says that otherwise, she'd be sleeping in the park. Lindsay admits that she had reservations. Leda tells Lindsay that she's got nothing to worry about. "Mel loves you very much," Leda says. Uh, yeah, she did just marry her. "Thanks," Lindsay says, as if she needed to hear that. Lindsay makes her way to bed, but stands on the stairs first and watches Leda take off her shirt.

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Queer as Folk U.S.

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