Hospital. Brian finds Michael facing a wall. Miraculously, he doesn't fuck Mikey against it. They turn almost all of the lights off so we can't see that Hal Sparks can't actually get himself to cry. He tries to get worked up about Ben dying, but it's mostly just hiccupping and gasping for breath, hoping that self-suffocation might spring some water to his eyelids. Michael cries that he doesn't want Ben to die. He wipes his nose and holds his face away from us to wipe his "tears." He says he's not strong enough for this. "My mom was right," Michael says. "Your mom doesn't know shit," Brian says. Oh, man. Then this: Brian: "Listen to me. Listen to me. Listen to me. Are you listening?" Michael: "[sobs, then] I'm listening." Good, because I don't want to run the risk of you not listening, and Brian having to say all of that again. What is this, Pacino's acting journal? Brian reminds Michael of the night that Justin got bashed, and how Michael stayed by Brian's side all night and for the next three days and was strong enough for all of them. He says that he couldn't have made it without Michael. Um, can we see that scene? Because that's better than anything you gave us this season. Michael exhales, leans forward and kisses Brian full and long on the mouth. These boys. Any excuse to make out with each other.
Emmett, Ted, and Melanie -- done with that whole "Ben" thing -- are out celebrating. It seems Pickle's people are willing to settle, and want to give Emmett one million dollars and call the whole thing off. This makes them very happy, but from where I'm sitting, it seems like nine million less than what Pickle wanted to leave Emmett in the first place. But they're happy with it and I've got the Porn Theory on my side, so I'm letting it just flow off me like Ben's suspicions of Michael's unrequited love for Brian. ["Man, Melanie is a shitty lawyer. The opposition had no case at all -- like, where was Pickle's lawyer who drafted the will and probably made the videotape to attest to the legitimacy of Pickle's wishes? -- but she just settled for 90% fucking up. Shitty. But, Porn Theory. Okay." -- Wing Chun] Mel and Ted kiss and then they both wipe the residue of opposite sex off their mouths. I don't know why, but it looks like the Wheel of Fortune set is behind them. Mel says the only catch is that they can't release the tape to the public, and Emmett has to sign a statement saying that he never had a relationship with Pickle. And she thought he'd be itching to sign this...why, exactly? ["Because she's a shitty lawyer?" -- Wing Chun] Emmett says he won't sign it. Ted, crazed and money-hungry, picks up the contract and tells Emmett not to be hasty. "You don't toss out a trick because he's got a good body but bad acne," he says. Everyone stares, and eventually Ted says this happened to him recently. It also isn't even an analogy to this situation. Mel tells Em that Pickle wanted him to have the money. She says he knows the truth, and that's all that matters. Ted says, "Think what you can do with the money!" They rejoice that Em could be set for life.